The Two Count

We are live from New Orleans, LA for Monday Night Raw!

The show starts off with a promo about the whole Laurinaitis/Cena feud. After that whole promo, Big Show is the first to walk to the ring tonight. Since Show now has an “ironclad contract,” he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants. No longer is he held down trying to make us smile. Big Show isn’t a phony UFC fighter. I guess the higher ups removed the ban on saying UFC? Minutes after Show apologized and was fired, Brodus Clay came out to dance. Please let this be a feud! There is only one man that disappointed Show more than us, and that man is John Cena. John Cena will face all three of his biggest failures at No Way Out, all conveniently packaged within Show. First commercial break of the night.

Alberto Del Rio with Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Santino Marella up first. Del Rio started the match off strong but Santino starts to heat up. As Santino went for the Cobra, Del Rio kicked him in the hand which set him up for the crossarm breaker. Alberto Del Rio wins via submission in about 30 seconds.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Backstage with Eve and Alex Riley. Big Show enters after some banter and Eve spills the beans that Show is allowed to pick his opponent tonight. Show looks directly at Riley and Riley begins to talk about how he always looked up to Show and respects him. Show declares that he isn’t picking Riley but throws him into a wall to send a message to the locker room. Commercial time!

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth with Little Jimmy vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger with Vickie Guerrerro for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Kofi and Swagger start off the match. The champions are in control of the match as Raw rolls into a break. We are back with Swagger and Kofi with Swagger in control. Did King just say Ryan Ziggler? R-Truth with some good teamwork hurls Kofi into Ziggler to get rid of him. As R-Truth looks outside the ring, Swagger knocks R-Truth down with the distraction but Truth kicks out. R-Truth hits the What’s Up and gets the pin. R-Truth and Kofi Kingston win via pinfall.
Rating: 5.5/10.0

After the match Ziggler leaves Swagger and Vickie in the ring screaming that he is better than them. In the back, Santino walks into Show in the back. As Show is strangling Santino, Brodus interrupts to challenge him to a match later on tonight. Commercial break.

There he is! Yes! Yes! Yes! Mr. John Laurinaitis with David Otunga and Eve! Big Johnny just confirmed that Show and Clay will face each other tonight. Secondly, the match at No Way Out between Show and Cena will take place in a steel cage. Lastly, he is now the most popular superstar in the WWE. In the ring behind them is the “official” cover of WWE ’13. Before he can say any more words, here comes CM Punk. Punk conveniently leaves a piece of gum in Laurinaitis’ wheelchair. The actual person is a “whole hell of a lot better looking than you are!” With that, some pyro goes off and a huge WWE ’13 cover drops from the ceiling. “You can take the Hoeski and Carlton and leave the ring now.” For a man with spinal injuries, he walks pretty well. What? You wanted more commercials? Here you go!

Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk up next. Daniel Bryan starts this match with some submission moves. Punk comes back with his own submission moves. Daniel Bryan in control for more than half of this match as he kicks Punk outside the ring. Bryan looks to kick Punk but Punk reverses by kicking Bryan outside of the ring. Punk climbs back in and hits a crossbody from inside the ring. As the action winds down, AJ walks down the ramp to see what’s going on. Raw rolls into another commercial break. During the break, Bryan hit a very nice running knee to the side of Punk’s head outside of the ring. We are back to the good back and forth between these two men with AJ standing beside the ring. This match is really hard to write about because Punk hits a move then Bryan hits a move then Punk hits a move…and so on so please forgive me for not painting the whole picture, it really is a solid match. Bryan hits a superplex from the top rope. AJ jumps up to complain to the ref as Bryan removes one of the turnbuckles. As Bryan turned back around, Punk landed a nice boot to the face. Bryan picks up Punk and drops him face first on the exposed turnbuckle. Daniel Bryan wins via pinfall. That was probably one of the best matches Raw has had in a while.
Rating: 8.0/10.0

After the match Kane runs to the ring with a steel chair and decided to enact a little revenge. Kane proceeds to chokeslam Bryan on the chair. Kane turns his attention to Punk but AJ slides a chair to Punk. Punk hits Kane a couple of times before he rolled out of the ring. Commercial break.

Christian vs. The Miz up next. Cody Rhodes is on commentary. Looks like this is the first time my feed will cut out tonight. Come on Time Warner Cable! It’s only on Monday nights! The Miz is in control as he wears down Christian in the corner of the ring. Christian begins to heat back up but runs right into a big boot from Miz. As Christian hits an elbow from the top rope, he gets distracted by Cody Rhodes as Miz almost gets the pin. Christian with the Killswitch. Instead of pinning immediately, Christian hits the frogsplash off the top rope. Christian wins via pinfall.
Rating: 4.5/10.0

Backstage with Big Johnny, Eve, and David Otunga. Apparently, Eve and David aren’t living up to their expectations from John. He just wants people to count on. Commercial time.

We come back live and Miz is still in the ring. He wants that match removed from the record books. Oh, this whole speech again where Miz states that he headlined Wrestlemania and he deserves better. Before The Miz could finish his rant, Randy Orton’s music hits. As The Miz is saying what he will do to Orton if he enters the ring, Orton RKOs The Miz. Alright, good segment. Backstage with Ziggler and Vickie watching Orton in the ring. Apparently, Ziggler wants out and wants to be Randy Orton. Looks like the Universe is getting a promo about John Cena’s patriotism. Let the “USA!” chants rain in from the crowd. Commercial time.

David Otunga vs. Sheamus up next. David Otunga in control of this match knocking Sheamus down quickly. Sheamus quickly heats back up though and starts executing his moveset. White Noise on Otunga followed by a Brogue Kick. Sheamus wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Brodus Clay with Cameron and Naomi vs. The Big Show up next. Before the match could begin, Show comes out to say how Clay is an even bigger sellout than he is. Brodus is apparently on track to become the next Doink. Show runs down the ring and lands a massive spear on Clay. Show is throwing Clay around the ring and later into the ring. Show starts dismantling the announce desk as Kofi Kingston and R-Truth run to the ring. Show catches Kofi and throws him into Truth. With Cole and Lawler watching, Big Show kicks the table apart. Show grabs one of the sides of the table and hits Brodus with it several times. Show turns his attention back on Truth as he throws him into the ring ropes. Kofi gets back up to try and kick Show but Show throws him through the steel barricade by the timekeeper. Show continues the onslaught by throwing Truth into the steel steps by the ring. Big Show finishes his rampage with the WMD on Clay.

Wow, no Cena tonight. All the little kids must be pissed. The highlight of the night was definitely the match with Punk and Bryan, everything else was pretty bland…except for the ending though. I liked how they brought back a dominant giant character, the WWE really needed one. Those two points really brought up the overall rating of the show.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

We are live from Richmond, VA for Monday Night Raw! Sorry for last week’s Raw and Over the Limit missing recaps. Graduating from college made me miss television for a week.

Looks like we are starting off Raw with a promo about Johnny Ace vs. Cena last night. Cena is coming out first to explain what happened last night, he doesn’t look thrilled. Everyone was having fun last night when Johnny was getting beat up last night, that’s what People Power is all about. There is some guy in the front row holding up a “I AM TRAYVON MARTIN!” sign. Lot’s of Michael Cole hate tonight from Cena. We are now all stuck with John Laurinaitis. Well, after saying that the situation is “crap”, Johnny’s voice hits but Eve is the one that comes out. Apparently, she is primarily here to just introduce Johnny…who is in a People Power branded wheelchair. Never mind, he is out of it with the assistance of Eve and a crutch. His injuries include a possible broken clavical, damage to his ACL and PCL, possible spinal injury, and some nerve damage. “When I am in that ring, I am a fierce competitor” – John Laurinaitis. If anyone touches him again, they will be immediately terminated. Laurinaitis just announced that John Cena will face The Big Show at No Way Out. Nobody is entitled to an explanation from Show. I think that was just a way for Creative not to write anything. The “You’re A Sellout!” chants rain in from the crowd. As Show leaves, Otunga’s music hits and he looks ready to wrestle. Cena isn’t in the mood to wrestle. That’s some good work ethic right there. Cena promises that he will hurt Otunga if he enters the ring. Before it starts, Otunga dedicates this match to John Laurinaitis. We’ll be back after a commercial break.

We are back and Cena is ready to fight. Otunga keeps sneaking out of the ring but Cena is close behind. Laurinaitis is in his People Power wheelchair at the top of the ramp. Otunga lands the first couple blows but Cena quickly regains control. AA on Otunga then into the STF. John Cena wins via submission in about 1 1/2 minutes.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

After the match Tyler Reks, Darren Young, Curt Hawkins, and Titus O’Neil rush out and attack Cena in the ring. Sheamus’ music hits and as he is running out he runs into Johnny. Cena and Sheamus start kicking ass and throws everyone out of the ring. Johnny yells at the four superstars saying that he didn’t order them to attack and to return to the back. Before Raw could go to commercial, Laurinaitis announces that Cena and Sheamus will be in a 2 on 3 handicap lumberjack match later. More after a commercial or four.

Ricardo Rodriguez is out here but before he could announce Del Rio, Santino’s music hits. Ricardo’s accent is ridiculous and his eyebrows looks like caterpillars. Both men are in the ring, trying to roll Rs. Cobra to Rodriguez! Santino is here to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Before Del Rio comes out, looks like we are getting a promo about Raw 1000 and the hour extension beginning on July 23rd. Three hours. Dear god. Del Rio is finally here as Santino scurries away. More as Raw rolls on.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton up next. Orton starts off in control. Del Rio is on the apron and as Orton went to pick him up, Del Rio kicked him out of the ring. More commercials! Del Rio was apparently in control during the break as he was attacking the injured shoulder of Orton. Orton turns the tables by tossing him out of the ring. Orton is firing up and hits the DDT on Del Rio. Orton calls for the RKO but before he could do so, here comes Jericho. Codebreaker on Orton! Alberto Del Rio wins via DQ.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Jericho is out here to tell Orton that he is the best in the world at what he does. Jericho lands a second Codebreaker once Orton stands up. Codebreaker #3 on Orton. Daniel Bryan calls out CM Punk after a break.

No “Yes!” chants coming from Bryan tonight as he walks to the ring. If you didn’t see it last night, here’s some footage that clearly shows that Bryan lost. “Did I make CM Punk tap out?” – Daniel Bryan. “No!” – Crowd. “Yes!” – Daniel Bryan. Bryan demands a rematch because he believes the ref messed up. Here comes CM Punk to explain his side of the story. We are now getting a promo about CM Punk vs. Kane last week on Smackdown. Punk is surprised that he fell for Bryan’s misdirection on Smackdown and he is here to introduce Bryan’s opponent for the next match.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane up next with CM Punk on commentary. Kane is in control, what a surprise. Bryan goes to the top rope and jumps into a chokeslam. Bryan reverses and tosses Kane outside of the ring. Punk grabs a chair to duplicate what happened on Smackdown but Bryan steals it away. Kane gets up and turns around to see Bryan holding the chair. Kane steals it away and smacks Bryan a couple of times. Daniel Bryan wins via DQ. How many 2 minute matches are we getting tonight?
Rating: 2.0/10.0

After the match, Kane rolls Bryan back into the ring and delivers a massive chokeslam. Correction, two massive chokeslams. Punk leaves commentary to see if Bryan is okay in the middle of the ring. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice and Bryan taps immediately. Punk ends the humiliation with a couple of “Yes!” chants. Commercial break.

We are back with Punk and AJ in the back. She is here to tell him that watching Bryan get beat up was fun to watch. AJ starts crying and Punk is doing a great job consoling her. AJ stops crying when Punk tells her that he likes to date crazy chicks. Promo about Heyman and Triple H. Christian is in action when Raw returns.

Christian vs. Jinder Mahal up next. Mahal gets thrown to the apron and tosses Christian over the ropes. Christian botches a sunset flip but Mahal kicks out anyway. Christian hits the Killswitch. Instead of pinning immediately, Christian goes to the top rope and hits a splash. Christian wins via pinfall. Divas after the break.
Rating: 4.5/10.0

Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix up next. Beth Phoenix is in total control at the start of the match. The feeds cuts to Layla watching the match in the back. The feed on my end just cut out, oh well, I don’t think I am missing much. The feed is back and Beth Phoenix won. Commercial time!
Rating: 1.0/10.0 I’m still going to say it was terrible even though I didn’t see it.

Sheamus and John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, and Lord Tensai (Looks like it is just Tensai now, he is no longer a Lord) with Vickie Guerrerro and Sakamoto in a 2 on 3 handicap lumberjack match. The lumberjacks all look suspiciously heel. There goes my feed again. We are back with Sheamus starting the match with Ziggler. Feed is out again. I’m back and now we have Cena and Swagger in the ring. Lauinaitis is now at the top of the ramp to watch the match. Swagger tags in Tensai and the crowd starts the “Albert!” chants almost immediately. Swagger tags back in the he is in control. Cena reverses Swagger going to the top rope and with the distraction tags Sheamus back in. Sheamus gets tossed outside of the ring and the lumberjacks start doing their job. Sheamus does his best to fight back and he rolls back into the ring. Tensai in control over Sheamus as Raw goes to the last commercial break. We are back and Sheamus gets tossed outside once again. He fights his way back in and Tensai immediately goes on the offense. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag on Sheamus but he taps out at 2. Looks like The Big Show is also joining us on the top of the ramp to watch the match. Sheamus just cannot get any momentum or anywhere close to his corner of the ring. This cable feed is only fucking up on USA, all my other channels are fine. Sheamus hits the rolling senton on Swagger and then gets the tag. Cena is heating up with Ziggler in the ring. Sheamus gets pulled down from the apron and then the lumberjacks pour into the ring to attack Cena.
Rating: 5.5/10.0

The face side of the locker room pours out and the entire locker room is in the ring. Brodus Clay finally made an appearance! Cena somehow left the ring and walked to the back to find Show. Cena finds Laurinaitis in the back and he gets reminded that he cannot touch Johnny. How do you lose Show?As Cole begins to wrap up the show, The Big Show turns around the corner and hits Cena with the WMD.

Pretty boring Raw. We could have received better matches.
Rating: 4.5/10.0

We are live from Greensboro, NC for Monday Night Raw! This episode of Raw Recap is brought to you by liquor. Tasty tasty liquor.

The show starts with a promo about Johnny’s destruction of Cena last week on Raw. With the hail of a lot of boos, here comes the General Manager of Monday Night Raw, Mr. John Laurinaitis. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary tonight, Lawler is sporting another terrible looking shirt. John Cena insulted him last week by calling him an “idiot,” therefore, his actions were justifiable. Haha, when Johnny loses his temper, he enters a fit of destruction that nobody can control. Johnny told Cena that he shouldn’t show up tonight so he could rest his “injured” arm. Looks like we are getting a satellite feed of Cena later. If anyone makes fun of Johnny’s voice, they will suffer severe consequences. John Laurinaitis was the Hulk Hogan of Japan. That is amazing. While I was making another drink, CM Punk’s music hits to interrupt. “Big Johnny” is trending worldwide. Awesome. Punk is here to help Johnny acclimate to the WWE Universe. Punk states that the WWE Universe does not want to see Johnny week after week in the ring. Pretty sure I just saw a 47 year old man holding up an “It’s my 10th birthday today!” sign in the audience. John had to compete in Japan because nobody wanted to see him wrestle in the States. John is stupid, ugly, and has no friends. What a great start for a Raw. John said that he would fight Punk if he wasn’t in “training”. Looks like the main event will be between CM Punk and Lord Tensai. I was really hoping he was talking about Kharma.

Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes for the Intercontinental Title after the break. We are back live with Johnny running into Big Show backstage. John complains to Show and Show retaliates by making fun of his voice. As Show turns around, Eve is standing behind him, looking really bitchy. Something tells me that this match will not be fair. Big Show in control at the start of the match with a bunch of slaps in the corner. Show calls for the WMD as Cody rolls out of the ring. Rhodes demands his belt as Show pulls him back into the ring. Before Show could hit him, Rhodes rolls back out and walks back up the ramp. Big Show wins via countout.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

After the match, Show wants Cody to come back to the ring. As Rhodes walks through the curtain, Eve comes out to have a chat with Show. Eve wants Show to apologize about making fun of Johnny’s voice. Show says that he is sorry, but Eve doesn’t want him to say sorry, he wants him to apologize. Show apologizes again and then leaves the ring. Commercial time.

Follow me on twitter at @GeorgeyB22. Seriously, I am hilarious.

Kofi Kingston with R-Truth and Little Jimmy vs. Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrerro and Jack Swagger. Michael Cole mackin’ on the bitches…and by bitches, I mean Vickie…and by bitches, I mean nobody. In the back we have Primo, Epico, Rosa Mendez, and Abraham Washington watching the match on a TV. With some brief action in the ring, the feed cuts back to backstage and now Batist…I mean Mason Ryan is standing with the group in the back. Kofi hits the SOS after a distraction from Swagger. Ziggler kicks out. Kofi goes for Trouble in Paradise but Swagger interferes. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag. 1. 2. 3. Dolph Ziggler wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Michael Cole interviews John Cena after the break. Can I have your attention please? A lot of doctors have told Cena not to compete for a few months. Well, to hell with that! Fuck doctors! Cena is ready to fight. Michael Cole is impressed with the accomplishments that Laurinaitis accumulated in the ring. Divas up after some more commercials.

Natalia and Maxine vs. Kelly Kelly and Layla. Beth Phoenix is on commentary. Kelly Kelly pulls Natalia off the ring apron. Kayla with the roll up. 1. 2. 3. Kelly Kelly and Layla win via pinfall.
Rating: 0.0/10.0

Sheamus and Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho and Alberto Del Rio up as Raw rolls on. Jericho and Orton start the match. Orton in control. Sheamus tags in and is once again in control. Jericho throws Sheamus out of the ring and Del Rio interferes outside the ring. Commercial break. We are back with Jericho in control of Sheamus in the middle of the ring. Once again, whenever I say someone is in control…the other person quickly gains control. Orton and Del Rio up now. Orton with the DDT from the middle rope. First “vintage” of the night from Cole. Powerslam onto Jericho, Rodriguez with the interruption, Del Rio in control. Del Rio tags in Jericho who continues the beat down in the corner. Randy with a nice drop kick in the middle of the ring. Del Rio with the cross arm breaker. Jericho counters as he tries to lock in the Walls of Jericho. Irish Curse Backbreaker as Del Rio interrupts the count. Orton with the RKO. Brogue Kick to Orton! Jericho with the Code Breaker! 1. 2. 3. Jericho and Del Rio win via pinfall.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

After the match, Sheamus helps Orton up as Orton RKOs Sheamus. Commercial time.

Backstage with Johnny and Eve talking about Show’s apology. Jericho interrupts by saying that he wants a title shot. Here comes Orton and Del Rio to interrupt as a fist fight appears in the back, including Sheamus. Looks like we are getting a fatal 4-way match at Over the Limit.

Brodus Clay time motherfuckers! Brodus Clay with Naomi and Cameron vs. The Miz. Before the match starts, The Miz is complaining that he has to wrestle Brodus Clay. The Miz gets knocked out of the ring as Cameron and Naomi laugh at him. Clay follows shortly after and as he rolls back into the ring, The Miz is on the offense. The Miz in control as he hits a DDT in the middle of the ring. Brodus looks like he is actually starting to get actual matches. Clay with the Frog Splash. 1. 2. 3. Brodus Clay wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Promo about the WWE’s B.A.Star campaign. Commercial time.

Promo about Triple H and Brock Lesnar last week. Instead of Brock Lesnar, we are getting Paul Heyman. Let the “ECW!” chants rain from the crowd! Brock Lesnar feels betrayed because he didn’t receive his demands last week. Heyman is here to read a prepared statement by Lesnar. Lesnar is apparently never coming back because he does not care about the WWE Universe…oh, also because he quits. Commercial break. I’m so sick of Raw right now.

Backstage with Big Show and two “stars” from some show on USA. Show is laughing at the impression that both “stars” are giving of Laurinaitis. As Show is laughing he turns around and sees Eve judging him.

Before CM Punk can walk out, Johnny announces that his match will be a handicap match. Looks like we are getting CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan and Lord Tensai after the break. Punk and Tensai as we return after the break with Tensai in control. I’m sorry, I really don’t care anymore. Daniel Bryan with nobody home as CM Punk rolls away from a dropping elbow. Punk is heating up as Tensai stays in the corner for now. Punk calls for the GTS but Bryan counters and tags in Tensai. Punk tries to lift Tensai for the GTS but Tensai counters. Punk is going to the top rope but Bryan interferes after Sakamoto interferes. Tensai calls for the green mist as he claws the head of CM Punk. 1. 2. 3. Lord Tensai and Daniel Bryan win via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

After the match we have Daniel Bryan kicking CM Punk while he is down. Bryan locks in the Yes Lock onto a helpless CM Punk.

Another really strong Raw…wait, I hope you detected the sarcasm. This was another below-average Raw that just wastes time before a PPV. This was just terrible.
Rating: 3.5/10.0

We are live from Dayton, OH for Monday Night Raw Starring Brock Lesnar!

John Laurinaitis starts off the show tonight, probably to discuss what happened during Triple H’s call. John is out here saying that in one night he legitimatized the WWE. John calls for Lesnar to come out and there he is. The world experienced Lesnar bringing the pain last night. Before John could speak a whole sentence, here comes Triple H. John just called Triple H the CEO of the company…man, can he shoot a promo or what?! Lesnar’s days of holding up the WWE are through according to Triple H. HHH is out here to explain that all of his new perks have expired. John hands Lesnar’s new contract over to Triple H who promptly rips it up in front of Lesnar. Brock’s problem is no longer Johnny, Brock’s new problem is Triple H. As John is complaining once again about Triple H’s authority, Triple H turns around to confront him but Lesnar attacks him from behind. Lesnar attacks him to the corner. Triple H fights back a little before Lesnar could lock in his submission move to break Triple H’s arm. The locker room pours into the ring to protect Triple H in the ring. Triple H is claiming that his arm is broken to the doctor in the ring. Raw goes into a commercial break as various superstars help Triple H out of the ring.

Backstage with Triple H and a bunch of doctors. Triple H is claiming that it feels like it is out of its socket. Who needs x-rays when you have the word of Triple H?

Eve is here to announce a Beat the Clock challenge for the #1 Contender spot for the WWE Championship. This match is now. The Miz vs. Santino Marella up first. Santino warming up as the clock passes the first minute. The Miz with the arm drop to Santino from the top rope. Santino going for the Cobra. The Miz reverses the Cobra and there was a pretty decent botch in the corner with The Miz missing the boot on Santino. Skullcrushing Finale on Santino. 1. 2. 3. The Miz wins via pinfall in 4:18.
Rating: 3.5/10.0

Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella vs. Layla for the WWE Divas Championship. This crowd is electric. Wait… The match starts with The Bellas fighting. Layla walks up behind them, kicks one into each other, and Layla scores the pin. 10 seconds top. Layla wins via pinfall. Commercial break.
Rating: 0.0/10.0

Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show in the second match for the Beat the Clock challenge. Show starts off the match by punching Jericho in the corner. Jericho knocks Show to the ground and delivers some kicks to the head of Show. Jericho jumps off the top rope but Jericho’s chest meets Show’s hand. Show connects with a spear as Jericho is running around the ring. Show misses the WMD, Jericho misses the Codebreaker. Jericho manages to get Show out of the ring. Jericho runs back into the ring. The buzzer goes off in the arena just as the ref calls for the 10 count. The ref declares that Jericho won the match and beat the clock. Raw goes to commercial as we are trying to find out if Jericho actually won.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

We are back and the ruling is that Jericho did not beat The Miz’s time of 4:18.

Brodus Clay vs. JTG up next. Typical Brodus Clay match beginning. JTG goes for the leg but Brodus quickly regains control of the match. 1. 2. 3. Brodus Clay wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Promo about John Cena leaving the WWE. Promo about what happened earlier with Triple H and Lesnar. Backstage with John, Eve, and Teddy.

Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger in the third match for the Beat the Clock challenge after Raw comes back from a break. Pretty good back and forth between these two men. Swagger has Orton in a submission hold with 1:30 left to go on the clock. Orton lands a midair kick to the gut. The Viper has come out to play with a minute left on the clock. Orton hits the DDT from the middle rope and Randy calls for the RKO. Swagger reverses the RKO and locks in the ankle lock. Randy reverses and hits the RKO. 1. 2. 3. Randy Orton wins via pinfall with a time of 4:16.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Later on Raw, Johnny will come out and name Cena’s next opponent at Over the Limit in three weeks.

Kofi Kingston and R-Truth with Little Jimmy vs. Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendez for the WWE Tag Team Championships as Raw rolls on. Our feed is cutting out on our end because the rain is fucking with the satellite. So far all we see is Epico and Primo arguing with the ref. This is thrilling. Oh, we are back with R-Truth and Primo fighting in the ring. Commercial break. We are back with R-Truth getting hit after the distraction from Epico. R-Truth tags in Kofi and he is on fire. Kofi hits the Moondrop. Kofi hits Primo off the ring apron. R-Truth hits Epico behind the ref’s back and Kofi lands the Trouble in Paradise. 1. 2. 3. Kofi Kingston and R-Truth win the WWE Tag Team Championship via pinfall.
Rating: 5.5/10.0

The Great Khali vs. Kane in the fourth Beat the Clock challenge once Raw comes back from a break. Khali using his entire moveset on Kane tonight. Kane knocks Khali down with a kick to the leg. Pretty thrilling match so far with a ton of slaps and chops. The ref begins the 10 count with Kane and Khali fight outside the ring. Khali rolls Kane back into the ring. The clock runs out as both men go for the chokeslam. Nobody wins due to time running out.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

After the match Kane lands the chokeslam. Raw goes to commercial.

Daniel Bryan vs. Jerry Lawler in the last Beat the Clock challenge. Bryan starts the match off strong by keeping Lawler in the corners. Lawler goes to the second rope, vintage Lawler! Bryan locks in the Yes Lock as Lawler taps. Daniel Bryan wins the Beat the Clock challenge via submission.
Rating: 3.5/10.0

Punk’s music hits after Bryan’s win over Lawler. Commercial break.

John Cena learns his opponent next live on Raw. John’s left arm is in a sling due to last night’s beating from Lesnar. Cena is here to confirm that his arm is extremely strained but nothing is broken. Cena makes the comment that Laurinaitis sounds like he smoked 5 years worth of cigarettes. Cena doesn’t want to see Raw run into the ground because of People Power. Here comes Lord Tensai to interrupt. Before Tensai could attack, Johnny hits Cena in the back of the head. He then announces that John Cena’s opponent is John Laurinaitis. The attack begins on Cena’s arm and all the men pour out of the ring. Tensai holds Cena’s arm on the stairs as John hit it with a steel chair.

Pretty standard post-PPV Raw. Most of the matches were terrible. That show would have fallen apart without the Beat the Clock challenge. Didn’t see the Laurinaitis spin at the end, could be interesting.
Overall Rating: 4.0/10.0

We are live from Detroit, MI for a three-hour Monday Night Raw! Sold out crowd with 16,122 fans tonight

The contract signing between Cena and Lesnar starts off Raw. Something tells me that this will not be going smoothly. Instead of Lesnar coming out, the Universe gets Johnny Ace. Lesnar apparently isn’t here at the moment, the contract signing will be happening on Brock’s terms when he shows up. This might be Cena’s last night on Raw? When did that happen. John wants Teddy to tell Cena to leave the ring immediately. As Johnny announces his title, Edge’s music hits! Looks like they are going to play up his contract ending. Edge came to see John Cena, not the current John Cena, but to the John Cena that was Edge’s rival. Brock Lesnar doesn’t give a damn about the business, he only cares about the cash. John Cena has to win or he is slapping everybody who believes in the business in the face. Edge isn’t asking Cena to beat Lesnar, he is telling him. Commercial time.

Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston up next. This looks like a thriller. WWE.com has an article titled “Is Jericho the new Cerebral Assassin?” No. No he is not. Kofi knocks Jericho outside the ring and as Kofi goes for the dive outside the ring Jericho moves out of the way. Kofi stops himself in the ropes and as Jericho enters the ring again he has him in a submission move. After some taunting, Jericho is in control. Kofi is back in control with a dive outside the ring into Jericho. Commercial break. We are back and Jericho has regained control. Jericho with a clothesline that takes them into a pin. Kickout. SOS by Kingston. 1. 2. Kickout. Crossbody to a Boom Drop. Kingston sets up Trouble in Paradise but Jericho catches Kofi and tries to apply the Walls of Jericho. Kingston reverses. Jericho catches Kofi with a Codebreaker as Kofi was jumping off the top rope. Walls of Jericho. Chris Jericho wins by submission. That was a much better match than what I was expecting. Well played.
Rating: 7.0/10.0

After the match we get some more Punk bashing from Jericho. Well, that’s nice. Jericho bought Punk a gift! What a generous man. What is the gift? I’m assuming we will find out later. Promo about Brock Lesnar. More as Raw rolls on.

Well, we are back with Johnny and Eve in the back. People Power! Eve is the new Executive Administrator to John Laurinaitis. Another promo about Lesnar. Actually, it is the promo from last week. Backstage with Punk and Josh Matthews. The gift to Punk was a liquor basket. Wow, that looks really delicious. There was like 10 bottles of booze in that basket! Punk hands the basket to Matthews but decided to keep that bottle of Jack Daniels. More commercials!

R-Truth with Little Jimmy vs. Lord Tensai with Sakamoto. Before the match, the Universe gets a little promo from Tensai. Nice Japanese accent right there. “Albert!” chants running wild in the crowd. R-Truth tries to fight back but Tensai is just too much for him. Do you think they will ever find trunks that fit that man? Tensai with a massive powerbomb. That accent gets better ad better. Green mist! Green mist! Green mist! And there is that claw. 1. 2. 3. Lord Tensai wins via pinfall.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

Looks like we are getting a message from Kane after the break. Well, we are back and Kane is excited for the WWE getting extreme on Sunday. Something about Randy Orton…I’m sorry, I’m not listening. Orton is on the TitanTron. He is backstage with Paul Bearer tied up in a wheelchair. Haha, Orton just locked him in a freezer. This match looks like it will be a slobberknocker. When was Paul Bearer his father? Just looked it up, he actually was! Here comes Orton, how convenient that he found a lead pipe underneath the ring? Kane runs into the crowd as Orton’s music plays. Promo about what happened with Cena and Edge from an hour ago. Promo about Jericho and Punk. Commercial time! Wow, they used that extra hour really well.

Alex Riley and Jericho in the back. Riley just said that Punk locked him out of the locker room because he was drinking a bottle of liquor. Jericho opens the door and Punk is on the phone drinking something out of a red plastic cup. Dumb.

Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show and The Great Khali. Khali already looks injured walking down the ring. Rhodes and Khali start off first. Khali shows off his whole move set within four seconds. This match is a contender for Best Match of the Year. Commercial time. Show and Del Rio in the ring as we come back from Raw. Distraction by Rhodes has Show falling out of the ring. Show almost gets counted out but rolls back into the ring at a 9 count. Rhodes and Del Rio continue to work on Show’s left leg. Figure 4 Leg Lock on Show from Cody Rhodes. Show reverses. Rhodes wants Del Rio to tag in but Del Rio leaves the ring. Slap from Khali, massive Chokeslam from Show. The Big Show and The Great Khali win by pinfall.
Rating: 3.5/10.0

The United States Championship will be contested during the preshow at 7:30PM on Sunday. Looks like it will be Santino Marella vs. The Miz. Commercial break.

Backstage with Johnny, Eve, and Jericho saying that they should strip Punk of the title due to some clause in the WWE bylaws. Looks like we will be getting a field sobriety test in the ring later for CM Punk. This is just getting better and better. Backstage with Brock Lesnar and Josh Matthews. Lesnar just threw Matthews into a semi truck. “I’m just trying to do my job.” And Matthews gets a taste of the Raw set as Lesnar walks off. Commercial break.

We are back with the paramedics strapping Matthews to a gurney. Nikki Bella vs. Beth Phoenix for the WWE Divas Championship up next. Here comes Eve to announce that this will now be a Lumberjill match. We haven’t seen the divas in a few weeks, looks like they are just going to toss them all out at once. Beth throws Nikki outside of the ring. As Beth jumps down from the ring, it looked like she injured her leg. That looks real. Nikki with the rollup. 1. 2. 3. Nikki Bella wins via pinfall.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Backstage with Punk and Teddy Long. Looks like the field sobriety test is up next. Commercial time!

We are back with Teddy Long in the ring with two “officers”, but before they could get started, Jericho comes out to watch. Here comes Punk, looking pretty “drunk.” Step 1: Recite the alphabet backwards. Looks like Punk isn’t completing this step. Watching him pretend that he is drunk is hilarious. Step 2: Walk in a straight line. Fail. Is this what the wellness test is? “Say goodbye to Detroit’s finest!” – Jericho. And listen to the crowd booing! The officer states that Punk is clearly drunk so Teddy asks for the belt. Punk hands the belt over to Teddy, but before he could hand it to Jericho…Punk asks for one more chance. Something tells me that he will be perfectly fine now. What a shock, he completes both tests with flying colors. I mean, he missed a letter or two but I guess that is close enough. Punk starts fighting Jericho and the fight pours outside. Oh my god, there is still another hour! Promo about Lesnar. Commercial time.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry up next. Johnny Ace just announced that Daniel Bryan is the special guest referee. If Sheamus touches Bryan he will be fired. Henry runs into Henry. 1. 2. 3. Mark Henry wins via pinfall with an extraordinarily quick pin.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Brogue Kick on Henry. Bryan locks in the Yes Lock in the middle of the ring. Commercial.

Backstage with Sheamus and Matt Striker. Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendez vs. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella. Epico and Ryder start off the match. Broski Boot to Epico in the corner. Distraction by Primo outside the ring sends Ryder into the ring post. Here comes the Cobra! Ryder tosses Epico out of the ring. Cobra strikes! 1. 2. 3. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

Promo about Lesnar and Matthews in the back as Raw rolls into some commercials.

We are back with Kane finally finding the freezer containing Paul Bearer. Kane pulls him out of the freezer just to put him back in the freezer. Here comes Abraham Washington backstage with Epico and Primo.

Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. This match is sponsored exclusively by Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco. Commercial time! We are back on Raw with some Vickie Guerrerro. Ziggler and Clay start the match with Ziggler going down to both knees, asking to start with Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle tags Clay back in and Clay is in control fighting Swagger. Headbutt to Swagger. Vickie comes into the ring and slaps Clay. Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle win via DQ.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Clay’s women and Hornswoggle come into the ring and form a circle around Vickie. Vickie goes to grab Clay’s hat as Hornswoggle bites Vickie on the ass. Congrats Taco Bell! I hope it was worth it! Promo about Lesnar. Last commercial break, contract signing up next. THANK GOD!

We are back on Raw with ANOTHER promo about Brock Lesnar! What a shock, it’s the same one from last week! AGAIN! This extra hour was literally filled with the same Brock Lesnar promo. Here he comes, John Laurinaitis! PEOPLE POWER MOTHERFUCKERS! Lesnar actually comes out this time when his music hits. John calls for Cena to come out but he does not show up when his music hits. Since John isn’t out here, Brock has some business to take care of with John. Brock wants changes in the company before he signs the paperwork for Sunday:
1. Lesnar wants any ideas for Lesnar to be run by him first, he wants full control because he is an enterprise.
2. Lesnar wants Vince’s private jet to and from Raw.
3. Lesnar wants to show up on Raw when and how he wants.
4. Lesnar wants a pay raise and also immunity from being fined.
5. Lesnar wants Monday Night Raw to be changed to Monday Night Raw: Starring Brock Lesnar.
John agrees to Lesnar’s terms, however he did not sign the paper saying that he agreed. Lesnar signs the paperwork for Sunday. Cena’s music hits again, and there he is. Cena is now wearing a chain around his neck. Foreshadowing? They started an hour early! How on earth are they running past 11:08?! Cena signs the contract and throws it at Lesnar with the chain wrapped around his fist.

Raw closes with Lesnar walking up the ramp and Cena in the ring.

Wow, that Raw was about 2 1/2 hours too long. The show started off strong like last week but quickly fell into a pool of boring. What more can I say?
Overall Rating: 4.0/10.0

We are live from London, England for Monday Night Raw!

Raw is starting off with CM Punk vs. Mark Henry in a no countout/no DQ match for the WWE Championship. England is loving Punk right now. So glad they took out the traditional London set with the double decker bus, the telephone booth, and the old car. This match pours outside the ring with Punk diving into Henry. Punk subsequently gets thrown into one of the ring posts. Punk jumps onto the ring barrier and runs into Henry with a “flying” bulldog. Henry is down but Punk is having a hard time getting him back into the ring. As Punk jumps towards Henry from the ring, Henry catches him and chucks him into the steel barricade. More as Raw rolls on. We are back on Raw as Punk is grabbing a steel chair from the outside. Two chairshots later we get the first pin of the night. Unsuccessful. Henry takes the chair away from Punk and lands a nice shot on the back. I’m sure there is a joke somewhere in there. England has really latched onto this “Yes!” chant. The crowd starts a mild “Sexual Chocolate” chant as Henry applies a bear hug. Punk gets caught in the World’s Strongest Slam but Punk reverses with a kick to the head. First “vintage” of the night. Henry counters the running bulldog. Henry runs headfirst into the steel chair in the corner of the ring. Punk goes outside to grab the chair. Punk with the arm drop with a steel chair from the top rope. 1. 2. 3. CM Punk wins via pinfall.
Rating: 7.0/10.0

Jericho in a “bar” backstage. Jericho has been granted a WWE Championship match at Extreme Rules in a Chicago Street Fight. Does it matter that Chicago is in the title? It’s no longer about being the “best in the world,” it’s about Punk kicking Jericho’s ass. Jericho has footage of Punk entering a bar…how did Punk not see Jericho? He’s standing like 10 feet away! The crowd starts a “fish and chips” chant. Oh England.

Santino Marella vs. David Otunga for the United States Championship after the break. As we come back, R-Truth is dressed up as Sherlock Holmes. His partner in crime is naturally, Little Jimmy Watson. Santino comes out wearing about five soccer jerseys on. Yeah…soccer. Not futbol. If I get shit because of that…I would be surprised because that means someone is reading this.

The match starts off with Otunga in control. Three hour Raw next week, don’t worry…we will do a half-assed job like we usually do. Otunga goes for the pin. 1. 2. 3. Wait, he notices that Santino’s foot was on the rope. As Otunga is distracted, Santino starts to wind up his moveset. Cobra! 1. 2. 3. Santino Marella wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.5/10.0

Backstage with Josh Matthews and Lord Tensai. That was a spot on Asian accent by the way. Brock Lesnar after the break.

Raw is back with another WM28 statistic. If I have to hear this fucking song one more god damn time… Interview with Brock Lesnar, I guess he couldn’t make the flight over. He isn’t a superstar, he is Brock Lesnar. At least he knows his name. Lesnar came back to legitimize this company. Oh, and he is tired of John Cena and whatnot. John Cena was only able to succeed in the WWE because Lesnar left. Thanks Lesnar.

Zack Ryder vs. Kane up after the break. How many feuds is Kane is now? As Zack tries to get back into the ring to start the match, Kane kicks him into the announce table. This one-sided fight continues outside the ring as Ryder gets thrown around the outside area. Kane rolls him back into the ring but the ref has yet to start the match. Kane with a massive chokeslam. Seeing that the match never started, nobody wins. This crowd died quickly during this “match.” Kane starts talking about the events last week on Smackdown concerning Randy Orton. Kane doesn’t look like the man that would use a lot of puns…but apparently he is.

Backstage with Kofi and AJ. Here comes Daniel Bryan to break up this little conversation. Bryan just changed the LeBell Lock to the Yes Lock. Commercial time.

Here comes John Cena…for a rebuttal to Brock Lesnar. Raw Zone time! How can I sum up what is happening in four words? Lesnar bad. Cena good. Alright, everyone is caught up now. Here comes the Raw GM! What a glorious man. God, his entrance is so epic. People Power bitches! You asked for more commercials? No, well…here are some anyway!

We are backstage again with R-Truth and Hornswoggle. Well, that ended quickly enough.

Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan up next. Kofi is getting booed. Gotta love England. Bryan in control. The fight spills outside as Raw cuts to another commercial. We are back with AJ watching this match from the backstage area as Bryan is in control. Kofi starts turning the tables on Bryan. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Kofi misses Trouble in Paradise and Kofi reverses the Yes Lock. Headbutt off the top rope, Kofi dives for Bryan but nobody is home. Bryan locks in the Yes Lock. Daniel Bryan wins via submission. Did anyone else find that match to be really boring?
Rating: 4.5/10.0

As Bryan applies another Yes Lock, here comes Sheamus. Bryan avoids the Brogue Kick and weasels away back up the ramp. Commercial time! Fuck yeah!

We are back on Raw and IT IS BRODUS CLAY TIME! FUNKASAURUS! FUNKASAURUS! Oh my god, somebody please buy me that Funkasaurus chain around his neck. EXCUSE ME! Looks like we are getting Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrerro and Jack Swagger. Why is Alex Riley trending on Twitter? Alright, shit is getting ridiculous. Brodus Clay hits Ziggler, Swagger pulls Ziggler out of the ring, Swagger interferes. Brodus Clay wins via DQ.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

After the match, Brodus turns his attention to fucking up Vickie…unfortunately she runs out of the ring just before shit gets real. Backstage with Johnny Ace, Otunga, and Eve. The Universe now gets a tribute to Chief Jay Strongbow, about god damn time! He will be missed. Commercial break.

Backstage again with R-Truth and Teddy Long.

The Great Khali and The Big Show vs. Primo and Epico with Rosa Mendes. If Primo and Epico win I am not watching Raw anymore. Who the hell is Abraham Washington? Khali showing the extent of his move set…an overhead chop. Oh, he knows how to kick too. Rosa grabs the titles and tells Epico and Primo to start running away. The Big Show catches them and throws them back into the ring. Khali with some more chops. Show with a chokeslam and Khali with the Punjabi Plunge. 1. 2. 3. The Big Show and The Great Khali win via pinfall. Why was this match so late in the show?
Rating: 2.5/10.0

John Cena vs. Lord Tensai in an extreme rules match. Wow, I don’t care about this at all. Sorry, I stepped out. Tensai and Cena outside the ring as Cena flies into the steel steps. Cena flips Tensai over his head and he goes to grab the steps. Steel off the skull of Tensai. Tensai’s manager starts a fight with Cena outside the ring as Otunga throws Cena back into the ring. Cena tries to go for the AA but drops Tensai halfway up. I think Tensai is bleeding from the mouth, his lip looks cut. Tensai runs into the corner. Super Cena time. Tensai falls onto Cena…all 7,000 pounds of him. Cena locks in the STF on Tensai just as Otunga runs into the ring. AA on Otunga. Cena turns around to a face full of green mist. Green. Mist. Is this a thing now?
Rating: 4.0/10.0

This Raw started off strong but quickly ran out of steam. The crowd was there but the matches were not. Also, green mist. What the hell?
Rating: 5.0/10.0

We are live from Washington, DC for Monday Night Raw! Tonight’s guest hosts are The Three Stooges. The. Three. Stooges. Ugh.

Johnny Ace finally gets an entrance theme! Looks like we are getting a promo about last week’s return of Brock Lesnar. John just announced that Lesnar will be facing Cena at Extreme Rules in a few weeks. This crowd is pretty dead. Well, Brock got in about three sentences and here comes Cena. The crowd was dead for Lesnar, but pretty alive for Cena. Without saying anything, Cena slaps Lesnar but Lesnar attacks him to the crowd. The locker room empties as they are trying to separate Cena and Lesnar. Thirty superstars cannot stop two guys. Cena is bleeding from the mouth. Thank god the refs are out there to separate them. I’m surprised we didn’t see an appearance by Patterson or Brisco. They finally got Lesnar out of the ring. Commercial time.

Teddy Long and John in the back. John is yelling at Teddy about not being able to contain John Cena. Did I miss something on Smackdown? Is Teddy his handler now?

Here comes the Funkasaurus and Santino Marella! This is the best tag team ever. EXCUSE ME! Looks like we are getting Santino and Clay vs. Swagger and Ziggler with Vickie Guerrerro. Brodus Clay in control of Jack Swagger. I swear to god, every time I say that someone is in control of someone else, the other person promptly regains control. Commercial. We are back with Ziggler making the tag to Swagger with Santino in the ring. Funkasaurus back in the ring with Ziggler. Here comes Brodus’ three moves. 1. 2. 3. No interfering from Swagger.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

More backstage with Teddy and John. Cena enters with a very messed up face. Cena vs. Otunga later on. Another backstage segment with Santino looking for The Three Stooges. More Raw after a break.

We are back with Santino still looking for The Three Stooges. After he found one of his shirts, he turns a corner to find Kane standing in the corner.

R-Truth with Little Jimmy vs. Cody Rhodes up next. Rhodes with a nice Alabama Slam as The Big Show comes out to show the Universe a clip of Rhodes losing last week to Kofi Kingston. R-Truth with the Little Jimmy! 1. 2. 3.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

We are back with Santino still looking for our guest hosts. He just walked by a package that smells like Italy. How convenient that The Three Stooges were in the crate. This is why I don’t rate backstage segments. More as Raw rolls on.

Lord Tensai vs. Yoshi Tatsu up next. The crowd is chanting “Albert!” Tensai is in control of this match, is anyone shocked? The ref stops the match because Tatsu is out. After the match is over, Tensai goes for the claw on Tatsu.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

Punk and Henry for the WWE Championship when we come back from a break.

Time for CM Punk to come out and give us his thoughts about last week with Jeritroll. “Not everybody understands straight-edge.” You know what sounds good right now? Liquor. Sweet, sweet liquor. I’m sorry, I stopped listening for a minute. People are chanting “Drink!” in the crowd. Apparently smashing him over the head with a bottle of whiskey was too far for Chris Jericho. Jericho interrupts Punk on the TitanTron with a non-lighty-up jacket. Apparently this is Punk on a bender. What a champ. I don’t understand this story line at all.

CM Punk vs. Mark Henry up next for the WWE Championship after a break. Punk rolls out of the ring after a quick beatdown from Henry. Punk by the announce table and he uses the television monitor on Henry. Mark Henry wins by DQ.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

Jericho’s music hits before Punk can drop the television on Henry’s head. Jericho has two 12 packs of beer is his hands as Henry applies two World’s Strongest Slams on Punk. Well, before Jericho could empty that beer on Punk’s head, Punk starts fighting back. Jericho with the Code Breaker. One beer down. Two beers down. Three beers down. Four beers down. Five beers down. “Drink it in you stupid idiot!” Six beers down. Seven beers down. Eight beers down. Oh good, here are a bunch of refs to stop this beer shower. They are going to need a new ring mat, pronto. As Punk gets up and turns around, Jericho hits another Code Breaker. Jericho leaves the ring to go grab the WWE Championship. More after another commercial break!

Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio up next. DEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL RRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It’s his destiny. Ryder connects with a kick in the corner. Del Rio reverses the Rough Ride. Ryder taps to the Cross Armbreaker.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

The Three Stooges up next after a break. Don’t worry commercials, feel free to take 10 minutes. Nobody will mind. Well, we are back with Curly dressed like Hulk Hogan. And here come the boos! I’ve never been so happy to see Kane. Kane with the chokeslam to Curly. I think we just saw the best chokeslam of the year. Backstage with Henry talking about his match for the Championship. More after some more commercials.

Josh Matthews with Brock Lesnar up next. “John Cena could not hold my jock strap.” Gross. Promo about Triple H and Taker from WM28.

David Otunga with Johnny Ace vs. John Cena up next after another commercial break. John Cena looks like he is still bleeding from the mouth. Nothing really to write home about. Otunga in control, he also wont stop taunting. God dammit, what did I say earlier? Cena in control. Here comes Super Cena! Five Knuckle Shuffle to Otunga. Time for an AA. Time for an STF. Cena wins by submission. At least there was some actual wrestling in this match.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Lesnar with the low blow. F5 to Cena. Raw goes off the air with Lesnar on the stage and Cena in the ring.

Another great Raw! Besides Cena getting his lip cut open, there wasn’t really a ton of substance to this Raw. Plus, The Three Stooges were the guest hosts…I cannot give this a good rating with them as the guest hosts.
Rating: 4.5/10.0

We are live from Miami, FL for Monday Night Raw and we are one night removed from Wrestlemania 28!

Looks like we are starting in the back tonight with John and Otunga, announcing his new title in the WWE. John just announced that we will be getting a triple threat match between Santino Marella, Dolph Ziggler, and Jack Swagger for the United States Championship. CM Punk interrupts by saying that John is a “giant toolbox.” The Great Khali looking really uncomfortable in that dress shirt. Another match for tonight will be CM Punk vs. Mark Henry for the WWE Championship. Welcome to a new era of “People Power.” NICKELBACK TIME! FUCK YEAH!

The Rock is the first to come out tonight to announce his win at Wrestlemania against John Cena. It wasn’t until last night that Rocky came back home. You know, just ignore the entirety of last year when he was on TV. Wow, this crowd does not like John Cena. So much for that 50/50 split the WWE wanted between the two. They just bleeped “Christ” from The Rock’s speech. Something tells me that #JHC (Jesus H. Christ) will be trending shortly. News is breaking on Twitter that John Cena has yet to show up tonight, we will see if this is kayfabe or not later on in the night. The Rock just mentioned how bad he was to get cut from the Canadian Football League. He stands before us tonight as our People’s Champion. Wrestlemania 28 was apparently the beginning of The Rock. Time for Lesnar to show up. Haha, the crowd is shouting “Yes!”, similar to you know…Daniel Bryan…the proud owner of the second shortest WM match of all time. The Rock’s vision is to become the WWE Champion again. This “Yes!” chant is amazing. Well, that’s enough Rock for one night…thanks for the laughs.

Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger vs. Dolph Ziggler up next for the United States Championship. First commercial tonight, more Raw after the break. Welcome back to Ra…EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Santino starts the match by running around the ring but he quickly gets caught by Jack Swagger in the corner. Santino starts fighting back and tosses Ziggler outside of the ring before Swagger knocks Santino down. Another commercial? Already? Just what the Universe wanted! Well, we are back and not surprisingly Santino is not in control. Correction, Santino starts to get some steam and before he can Cobra Swagger, Ziggler with a nice neckbreaker. Tension between Swagger and Ziggler starts up. Santino is back in control! Cobra on Swagger! 1. 2. 3. Santino Marella wins with a pinfall! Ziggler and Swagger chase Santino up the ramp as Brodus Clay comes out to protect Santino. Ziggler tries to fight back but Clay stopped that from happening. After, the Universe received a dance party from Marella, Clay, and his bitches.
Rating: 4.5/10.0
Dance Party Rating: 10.0/10.0

Lord Tensai’s debut is up next. Look’s like they are giving him a manager, someone named Sakamoto. Oh hey, a rare A-Ry sighting! This is a really long match for a newcomer. Well, that was a typical squash match for A-Train…I mean, Lord Tensai. The ref rings the bell after he determines A-Ry is unable to continue. Thanks for coming A-Ry, we will see you again in another seven months. Tensai doesn’t stop as he grabs A-Ry’s head and slams him into the ground. I didn’t know Prince Albert was Asian…you learn things every day!
Rating: 3.0/10.0

We are back from Raw with a promo about how you should feel bad for John Cena, he has yet to show up however. CM Punk vs. Mark Henry for the WWE Championship up next. Punk’s back cannot feel good from that match last night he had with Jericho. Mark Henry is in control of this match. This crowd is really attached to this “Yes!” chant. Henry’s plan to attack his back is working fairly well. CM Punk with a DDT to the World’s Strongest Man. Raw Zone time! CM Punk goes to the top rope but Henry catches him and throws him into the corner. Henry goes for a splash but Punk fights back. This crowd is great. Henry fights back with a big boot to the face of Punk. More as Raw rolls on. Punk with a series of kicks finally knocks the big man down. Punk connects with the elbow drop from the top rope. First “vintage” of the night from Cole. Punk tries to go for the bulldog but Henry tosses Punk outside. Punk gets counted out. Mark Henry wins by countout, but he does not win the title. After the match, Henry gives Punk a World’s Strongest Slam on the floor of the arena. Fans are starting a “No!” chant in the crowd.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

Here comes Johnny to announce that the WWE Universe wants to see Punk defend his title more often. Jericho comes out of nowhere to say that CM Punk and himself should celebrate with a drink of the sauce. Jericho pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels underneath the timekeeper. This is such a stupid angle. Well, there goes that bottle all over his face. As Jericho goes to kick Punk, he slips on the liquor. Nice. God how much booze does the timekeeper have?! There goes another bottle! Wow, that bottle broke way before it hit Punk’s head. This is dumb.

Sheamus time! Wow, this crowd does not like him. Uh oh! Here comes Alberto Del Riiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! DESTINY! Del Rio wants to get back into the main event scene. Del Rio just announced that he will be fighting Sheamus at Smackdown…no title though. This crowd wants Daniel Bryan. Before Del Rio could finish his speech, his mic cuts out. As Del Rio goes for another microphone, Sheamus Brogue Kicks him as he turns around. The crowd was chanting “Si!” the whole time. Gotta love it! Backstage with Daniel Bryan, f but he says nothing. The crowd loved seeing him though. More as Raw continues after a break.

Raw continues with Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston. Rhodes with the Disaster Kick to the face. Instead of pinning, Rhodes decides to continue but The Big Show’s music hits before he can lock in an abdominal stretch. Show is here to show an embarrassing moment from Cody Rhodes. Trouble in Paradise connects and Kofi wins via pinfall.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Time for another promo about how you should feel bad for John Cena! Feelin’ bad for him yet? No? Well, you are going to get more promos then! More after some commercials.

Backstage with Mark Henry and some random black guy. I honestly have no idea who the hell this is. The crowd is chanting “Who are you?!”

DIVAS TIME! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! The crowd is appropriately chanting “hoeski.” Eve received her Wrestlemania moment last night. Alright, she was just out here to talk to the crowd. THANK. GOD! Commercial break.

The Miz vs. Zack Ryder up next. Okay? God, is this Raw over yet? John Cena just showed up to the arena according to Jerry Lawler. Zack Ryder is in control. After some more back and forth, Ryder hits Miz with a Broski Boot. The Miz kicks out at 2 1/2. The Miz sends Ryder into the ring post. The Miz connects with a Skullcrushing Finale. 1. 2. 3. The Miz wins via pinfall. John Cena speaks after the break. Looks like they are shoving that 10-man tag match to the post-show dark match.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

We are back live on Monday Night Raw for Cena’s speech. He is missing his usual enthusiasm on his walk to the ring…probably because he came in second place last night, nobody remembers who came in second place…remember when The Rock fought Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz? Wait, that can’t be right… Cena is out here quoting Muhammad Ali. If you think you are going to lose, you’ve already lost. Wow, this is boring. Haha, the crowd is chanting “You’re a loser!” Cena just asked if today will be the day that he will lash out at the WWE Universe. The crowd responds by chanting “Yes!” Unfortunately, that will not be happening tonight. Apparently, last night was not Cena’s last match in the WWE. Cena is not here to call out The Rock, he doesn’t want to fight him. The crowd is chanting “WE WANT LESNAR!” Instead of talking trash to The Rock, he wants him to come down out of respect. WWE’s own Twitter just said that Lesnar just walked into the building. Brock Lesnar’s music finally hits! This crowd just lost its mind. “Holy shit!” chants running wild in the audience. Lesnar catches Cena! F5! F5! F5!

Besides Lesnar coming out, that was a pretty boring Raw…then again, everything happened last night at Wrestlemania so I wasn’t expecting much.
Rating: 4.5/10.0