We are live from Detroit, MI for a three-hour Monday Night Raw! Sold out crowd with 16,122 fans tonight
The contract signing between Cena and Lesnar starts off Raw. Something tells me that this will not be going smoothly. Instead of Lesnar coming out, the Universe gets Johnny Ace. Lesnar apparently isn’t here at the moment, the contract signing will be happening on Brock’s terms when he shows up. This might be Cena’s last night on Raw? When did that happen. John wants Teddy to tell Cena to leave the ring immediately. As Johnny announces his title, Edge’s music hits! Looks like they are going to play up his contract ending. Edge came to see John Cena, not the current John Cena, but to the John Cena that was Edge’s rival. Brock Lesnar doesn’t give a damn about the business, he only cares about the cash. John Cena has to win or he is slapping everybody who believes in the business in the face. Edge isn’t asking Cena to beat Lesnar, he is telling him. Commercial time.
Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston up next. This looks like a thriller. WWE.com has an article titled “Is Jericho the new Cerebral Assassin?” No. No he is not. Kofi knocks Jericho outside the ring and as Kofi goes for the dive outside the ring Jericho moves out of the way. Kofi stops himself in the ropes and as Jericho enters the ring again he has him in a submission move. After some taunting, Jericho is in control. Kofi is back in control with a dive outside the ring into Jericho. Commercial break. We are back and Jericho has regained control. Jericho with a clothesline that takes them into a pin. Kickout. SOS by Kingston. 1. 2. Kickout. Crossbody to a Boom Drop. Kingston sets up Trouble in Paradise but Jericho catches Kofi and tries to apply the Walls of Jericho. Kingston reverses. Jericho catches Kofi with a Codebreaker as Kofi was jumping off the top rope. Walls of Jericho. Chris Jericho wins by submission. That was a much better match than what I was expecting. Well played.
After the match we get some more Punk bashing from Jericho. Well, that’s nice. Jericho bought Punk a gift! What a generous man. What is the gift? I’m assuming we will find out later. Promo about Brock Lesnar. More as Raw rolls on.
Well, we are back with Johnny and Eve in the back. People Power! Eve is the new Executive Administrator to John Laurinaitis. Another promo about Lesnar. Actually, it is the promo from last week. Backstage with Punk and Josh Matthews. The gift to Punk was a liquor basket. Wow, that looks really delicious. There was like 10 bottles of booze in that basket! Punk hands the basket to Matthews but decided to keep that bottle of Jack Daniels. More commercials!
R-Truth with Little Jimmy vs. Lord Tensai with Sakamoto. Before the match, the Universe gets a little promo from Tensai. Nice Japanese accent right there. “Albert!” chants running wild in the crowd. R-Truth tries to fight back but Tensai is just too much for him. Do you think they will ever find trunks that fit that man? Tensai with a massive powerbomb. That accent gets better ad better. Green mist! Green mist! Green mist! And there is that claw. 1. 2. 3. Lord Tensai wins via pinfall.
Looks like we are getting a message from Kane after the break. Well, we are back and Kane is excited for the WWE getting extreme on Sunday. Something about Randy Orton…I’m sorry, I’m not listening. Orton is on the TitanTron. He is backstage with Paul Bearer tied up in a wheelchair. Haha, Orton just locked him in a freezer. This match looks like it will be a slobberknocker. When was Paul Bearer his father? Just looked it up, he actually was! Here comes Orton, how convenient that he found a lead pipe underneath the ring? Kane runs into the crowd as Orton’s music plays. Promo about what happened with Cena and Edge from an hour ago. Promo about Jericho and Punk. Commercial time! Wow, they used that extra hour really well.
Alex Riley and Jericho in the back. Riley just said that Punk locked him out of the locker room because he was drinking a bottle of liquor. Jericho opens the door and Punk is on the phone drinking something out of a red plastic cup. Dumb.
Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show and The Great Khali. Khali already looks injured walking down the ring. Rhodes and Khali start off first. Khali shows off his whole move set within four seconds. This match is a contender for Best Match of the Year. Commercial time. Show and Del Rio in the ring as we come back from Raw. Distraction by Rhodes has Show falling out of the ring. Show almost gets counted out but rolls back into the ring at a 9 count. Rhodes and Del Rio continue to work on Show’s left leg. Figure 4 Leg Lock on Show from Cody Rhodes. Show reverses. Rhodes wants Del Rio to tag in but Del Rio leaves the ring. Slap from Khali, massive Chokeslam from Show. The Big Show and The Great Khali win by pinfall.
The United States Championship will be contested during the preshow at 7:30PM on Sunday. Looks like it will be Santino Marella vs. The Miz. Commercial break.
Backstage with Johnny, Eve, and Jericho saying that they should strip Punk of the title due to some clause in the WWE bylaws. Looks like we will be getting a field sobriety test in the ring later for CM Punk. This is just getting better and better. Backstage with Brock Lesnar and Josh Matthews. Lesnar just threw Matthews into a semi truck. “I’m just trying to do my job.” And Matthews gets a taste of the Raw set as Lesnar walks off. Commercial break.
We are back with the paramedics strapping Matthews to a gurney. Nikki Bella vs. Beth Phoenix for the WWE Divas Championship up next. Here comes Eve to announce that this will now be a Lumberjill match. We haven’t seen the divas in a few weeks, looks like they are just going to toss them all out at once. Beth throws Nikki outside of the ring. As Beth jumps down from the ring, it looked like she injured her leg. That looks real. Nikki with the rollup. 1. 2. 3. Nikki Bella wins via pinfall.
Backstage with Punk and Teddy Long. Looks like the field sobriety test is up next. Commercial time!
We are back with Teddy Long in the ring with two “officers”, but before they could get started, Jericho comes out to watch. Here comes Punk, looking pretty “drunk.” Step 1: Recite the alphabet backwards. Looks like Punk isn’t completing this step. Watching him pretend that he is drunk is hilarious. Step 2: Walk in a straight line. Fail. Is this what the wellness test is? “Say goodbye to Detroit’s finest!” – Jericho. And listen to the crowd booing! The officer states that Punk is clearly drunk so Teddy asks for the belt. Punk hands the belt over to Teddy, but before he could hand it to Jericho…Punk asks for one more chance. Something tells me that he will be perfectly fine now. What a shock, he completes both tests with flying colors. I mean, he missed a letter or two but I guess that is close enough. Punk starts fighting Jericho and the fight pours outside. Oh my god, there is still another hour! Promo about Lesnar. Commercial time.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry up next. Johnny Ace just announced that Daniel Bryan is the special guest referee. If Sheamus touches Bryan he will be fired. Henry runs into Henry. 1. 2. 3. Mark Henry wins via pinfall with an extraordinarily quick pin.
Brogue Kick on Henry. Bryan locks in the Yes Lock in the middle of the ring. Commercial.
Backstage with Sheamus and Matt Striker. Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendez vs. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella. Epico and Ryder start off the match. Broski Boot to Epico in the corner. Distraction by Primo outside the ring sends Ryder into the ring post. Here comes the Cobra! Ryder tosses Epico out of the ring. Cobra strikes! 1. 2. 3. Zack Ryder and Santino Marella win via pinfall.
Promo about Lesnar and Matthews in the back as Raw rolls into some commercials.
We are back with Kane finally finding the freezer containing Paul Bearer. Kane pulls him out of the freezer just to put him back in the freezer. Here comes Abraham Washington backstage with Epico and Primo.
Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. This match is sponsored exclusively by Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco. Commercial time! We are back on Raw with some Vickie Guerrerro. Ziggler and Clay start the match with Ziggler going down to both knees, asking to start with Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle tags Clay back in and Clay is in control fighting Swagger. Headbutt to Swagger. Vickie comes into the ring and slaps Clay. Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle win via DQ.
Clay’s women and Hornswoggle come into the ring and form a circle around Vickie. Vickie goes to grab Clay’s hat as Hornswoggle bites Vickie on the ass. Congrats Taco Bell! I hope it was worth it! Promo about Lesnar. Last commercial break, contract signing up next. THANK GOD!
We are back on Raw with ANOTHER promo about Brock Lesnar! What a shock, it’s the same one from last week! AGAIN! This extra hour was literally filled with the same Brock Lesnar promo. Here he comes, John Laurinaitis! PEOPLE POWER MOTHERFUCKERS! Lesnar actually comes out this time when his music hits. John calls for Cena to come out but he does not show up when his music hits. Since John isn’t out here, Brock has some business to take care of with John. Brock wants changes in the company before he signs the paperwork for Sunday:
1. Lesnar wants any ideas for Lesnar to be run by him first, he wants full control because he is an enterprise.
2. Lesnar wants Vince’s private jet to and from Raw.
3. Lesnar wants to show up on Raw when and how he wants.
4. Lesnar wants a pay raise and also immunity from being fined.
5. Lesnar wants Monday Night Raw to be changed to Monday Night Raw: Starring Brock Lesnar.
John agrees to Lesnar’s terms, however he did not sign the paper saying that he agreed. Lesnar signs the paperwork for Sunday. Cena’s music hits again, and there he is. Cena is now wearing a chain around his neck. Foreshadowing? They started an hour early! How on earth are they running past 11:08?! Cena signs the contract and throws it at Lesnar with the chain wrapped around his fist.
Raw closes with Lesnar walking up the ramp and Cena in the ring.
Wow, that Raw was about 2 1/2 hours too long. The show started off strong like last week but quickly fell into a pool of boring. What more can I say?
Overall Rating: 4.0/10.0