Apr
01

Wrestlemania 28 – April 1, 2012

We are live for Wrestlemania 28 in Miami, FL!

Preshow time!
Alright, they just did a flyby of the stadium, holy crap that is a lot of people. The preshow match will be The Usos vs. Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd vs. Epico and Primo for the WWE Tag Team Championships. Tyson Kidd kicks Primo on the outside. I miss the Money In The Bank ladder match. Tyson Kidd with a huge suplex involving Primo and one of the Usos. Jey Uso with a nice frogsplash to Epico and Justin Gabriel. Gabriel botches but does the same move correctly the second time. Epico with a backstabber. 1. 2. 3. Epico and Primo win with a pinfall.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

I’m 1 for 1 so far with predictions. Best in the world.

Wrestlemania kicks off with Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan in 15 minutes.

Wrestlemania 28 time!
The show starts with Lilian Garcia singing America The Beautiful. USA! USA! USA! Crowds are still filing into the stadium, near record numbers are expected.

No pyros to start off the show…looks like they are saving them for halftime. Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan with AJ up now. Cole and Lawler are on commentary. This place is nuts. The ref rings the bell but before they start fighting Bryan asks for a kiss from AJ. Sheamus Brogue Kicked Bryan when he went for the kiss! 1. 2. 3. Sheamus wins with a pinfall! That took 15 seconds! We have a new World Heavyweight Champion!
Rating: 2.0/10.0

2 for 2 baby!

Backstage with Team Johnny. Kane and Orton up next. Kane goes for the chokeslam early but Orton reverses. Time for another 15 second match! Orton dropped on the ropes and gets the big boot from Kane. Kane with a big right hand to the chin of Orton. First “vintage” of the night from Cole. Orton with a backbreaker to Kane. That didn’t look good for either man. Orton DDTs Kane from the ropes. Orton calls for the RKO. Kane counters with a big boot to the face. Kane goes to the top rope but Orton counters with a dropkick. Orton runs into a chokeslam. That was a nice chokeslam. 1. 2. Kickout! Kane chokeslams Orton from the top rope! 1. 2. 3. Kane wins with a pinfall.
Rating: 7.0/10.0

2 for 3…still good!

Backstage segment with Santino Marella, Mick Foley, and some guy from the Deadliest Catch. What the hell is this? Oh yeah! Ron Simmons! DAMN!

Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show for the Intercontinental Championship up next. Show with the first stage pyro of the night. Show is in control. Show just throw Rhodes across the whole damn ring. Big Show with the stinkface to Cody Rhodes. Cody Rhodes working the leg of Show. Rhodes with a big right hand! 1. 2. 3. The Big Show wins the Intercontinental Championship with a pinfall.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

3 for 4…let’s go!

Promo about how awesome the Divas are. Looks like it might be bathroom time soon. Kelly Kelly and Maria Menunounounsunonuononouns vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres. Double stinkface to Maria Menun..fuck it…Maria. Sorry, I was making popcorn, what happened. Maria is on the top ropes…holding her rubs together. Beth saves her and Maria gets the rollup. 1. 2 3. Kelly Kelly and Maria win with a pinfall.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

4 for 5! Awesome.

Promo of Shawn Michaels in the back. Record breaking attendance tonight with 78,383 people. First legit pyro of the night. Here comes Jim Ross! Wow, he looks great! Triple H vs. Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell up next. Mr. Wrestlemania is coming out first. Time for the best entrances of the night. Alright, those were just their normal entrances. No druids…no warriors with shields…nothing. No buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh cage dropping music buh buh buh buh, we get Metallica instead. Ding ding ding, time for a 45 minute emotional roller coaster. Each superstar trades blows with each other in the corner. Triple H is getting acquainted with those steel walls courtesy of The Undertaker. Oh, Mr. Steel-Steps wants to play too. Taker is going Old School. Ring steps to the eyes of HHH, Taker is in complete control of this match. Oh my god, Taker leg drops HHH on the apron of the ring. Taker tries to Pedigree Taker on the step inside of the ring but Taker counters. Spinebuster to the steps from Triple H. Ouch. Hells Gate! Hells Gate! Triple H picks him up and counters. Triple H tosses two steel chairs into the ring and then uses them on Taker. Triple H sets up the steps in the corner and tosses Taker headfirst into the steps. Triple H back with the chair. Teiple H blows a fuse and goes crazy with that chair. Shawn Michaels tries to stop it but has no power. HBK tosses the chair outside of the ring and asks for HHH to cover Taker for the pin. Triple H back with the chair. Triple H wants Michaels to end the match, Taker says not to stop it. Triple H is relentless with this chair, he leaves the ring to go grab another one. Triple H grabs the sledgehammer as Shawn tries to stop it. Triple H with the sledgehammer to the face. 1. 2. Kickout! Alright, I know it is fake, but that was really close. Shawn stops Triple H from slamming it down on Taker. Taker just put Shawn Michaels in Hells Gate! Sledgehammer to the both of them! Taker has Triple H in Hells Gate but Shawn Michaels is out! Triple H tries to lift Taker! Triple H is out! Here comes another ref! The ref finally unlocked the gate! Chokeslam on Triple H! 1. 2. Kickout! Taker just chokeslammed the new ref! Sweet Chin Music on Taker! Pedigree on Taker! 1. 2. Kickout! Oh my god! Triple H tosses Michaels out of the ring! Taker wakes up and is in control! Tombstone Piledriver! 1. 2. Kickout! What?! What?! What?! How are these men back on their feet right now? Pedigree! 1. 2. Kickout! His hand was on the mat! Oh my god! Taker has a chair, Triple H has the sledgehammer. Taker wins this weapon battle with a chair shot. Taker has some sweet justice on HHH with a ton of chair shots. The chair is broken. 1. 2. Triple H kicks out! The Game tries to hit Taker with the hammer, Taker blocks. Triple H looks physically exhausted. Triple H with the DX crotch chop and Taker hits him with the hammer. Tombstone piledriver. 1. 2. 3. The Undertaker goes 20-0 with a pinfall.
Rating: 10.0/10.0

That singlehandedly may have been the best match I’ve ever witnessed. The utter respect these three men have for each other is simply amazing. There are still two hours to go. Two. Hours.

5 for 6. I should have bet on this thing!

Hall of Famer Class of 2012 time. Flo Rida just kicked Heath Slaters ass in the back. Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny up next. Kofi and Dolph start first. Team Teddy is in control. Team Johnny is back in control with Booker T and Jack Swagger in the ring. I am just emotionally spent right now after that last match. World Strongest Slam out of nowhere with Khali! Khali with a huge slap! Alright, this is just ridiculous. I cannot type this fast. What is happening in this match! There is a pile of bodies outside the ring! Spear from Aksana to Vickie. This is chaos. SANTINO AND MIZ! Cobra strikes! 1. 2. Ziggler with the interference! Oh my god! Ryder and Miz! What the hell is Eve doing in here?! Skullcrushing Finale on Ryder! 1. 2. 3. Team Johnny wins with a pinfall and control of both shows. God dammit! God dammit!
Rating: 6.5/10.0

5 for 7. God dammit! God dammit! God dammit! God dammit! God dammit! Fucking whore Eve! I am legitimately pissed off right now! Tie that bitch to the cage and raise it to the tarp! NEVER LET HER DOWN! Eve with the low blow to Zack! FUCKING KILL HER! WHERE IS KANE TO SET HER ON FIRE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?! COME ON KHARMA! FUCK!

Johnny just said in the back that if Punk gets DQed, he loses the title. There’s the jacket! Jericho with some slaps to the face, trying to get Punk counted out in the corner. “Hey Punk, how’s your father?!” – Jericho. Punk dragged him out of the corner. Jericho rolls outside the ring as Punk went to the top rope. Punk with a clothesline from the top rope, connecting on the outside. “How’s your sister” – Jericho. Punk has the chair! “Your father’s a drunk! Hit me with a chair!” – Jericho Okay, that just sounded hilarious. Jericho with a suplex, landing outside the ring. CM Punk just received a really nice case of whiplash. Nothing really huge going on. Regular back and forth. Second “vintage” of the night. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho. Punk counters! Punk with a kick to the back of the head. Punk lands the GTS. Punk crawls to Jericho. 1. 2. Jericho gets his leg on the rope. Punk bounces off the rope and Jericho hits the lionsault. Punk kicks out of a quick pin. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho again after Punk botches from the top rope. Punk grabs the ropes. Jericho thinks he won as the ref tells him he did not. Punk tosses Jericho over the top rope. Jericho caught Punk in the air with a Codebreaker. Punk kicks out again. Punk tries the GTS again but gets caught in the middle of the ring with the Walls of Jericho. Punk has nowhere to go! Punk is dragging himself to the ropes! Jericho walks back to the middle of the ring! Punk is reversing it! Anaconda Vice! Jericho kicking the back of the head. Jericho tries the Walls of Jericho but Punk has the Anaconda Vice locked in! Ding ding ding! Punk wins with the submission.
Rating: 9.0/10.0

6 out of 8!

BRODUS CLAY UP NEXT! FUNKASAURUS AT WRESTLEMANIA! Brodus is going to call someone’s mama! Correction, he is going to call his mama. Brodus’ mama is here?! Mama Clay! Wow. This is great. Oh god, she brought her bridge club. There are about 20 “old” ladies dancing on the stage. I don’t even care if he didn’t wrestle, that was the best part of the night.

Time for a 10 minute concert between MGK and Flo Rida. Cena is now green instead of red, white, and blue. Please make a note of it. Why is a lightcycle from Tron on the stage?

Alright, here we go. Once in a lifetime. Ding. Ding. Ding. This place is losing its mind. The Rock scores the first rollup of the night. The Rock with a right hand that throws him to the corner. Cena rolls out of the ring for a breather. Cena with a clothesline in the corner. Both men are outside, Cena drops The Rock onto the barricade. Cena drops Rock again on the announce table. Wrong table Cena! Wrong table! Cena is working the ribs of The Rock. Third “vintage” of the night! DDT to Cena. Rock goes for the People’s Elbow, Cena reverses with an STF, Rock reverses by kicking him away. Cena with a Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the AA, Rock counters but both men are down in the ring. Cena catches Rock with an AA. 1. 2. Just barely kicked out! Rock Bottom on Cena! 1. 2. Kickout. Cena with a wicked leg drop from the top rope. Rock kicks out at 2. Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring from The Rock. Cena crawls to the bottom rope. Well, they are outside of the ring now. I dont know if I am just emotionally spent from this Wrestlemania but I feel like this is not a top notch main event. It’s so slow. Cena into the steel steps. Cena with the STF, locked in the middle of the ring. The Rock is quickly passing out. The Rock holds his hand up high at 2 1/2. The Rock finally grabs the bottom rope. I am spent. Spinebuster from The Rock. People’s Elbow on Cena! 1. 2. Oh my god that was close. Cena AAs Rock. 1. 2. OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO CLOSE! Cena goes for the People’s Elbow on The Rock! Rock catches Cena with a Rock Bottom. 1. 2. 3! THE ROCK WINS WITH A PINFALL!
Rating: 7.5/10.0

6 out of 9, so close.

Alright, that ending literally shocked me. That ending was a terrible business decision for the company. That was not the main event that we’ve been promised for an entire year. Overall, pretty solid ‘mania, few hiccups along the way but Taker/HHH stole the show. Why must the WWE insist on putting matches after that?!
Rating: 8.0/10.0

Apr
01

Wrestlemania 28 Predictions

Alright guys, Wrestlemania is only a few hours away…time for some predictions. I’m predicting a very face-heavy Wrestlemania. (These are in order from least important to most important…well, to me at least)

Dark Match: Primo and Epico vs. Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd vs. The Usos
I’m saying that the titles are staying with Primo and Epico on this one. I really have no reasoning to do so, I’m just hoping they don’t change hands again in a dark match.
Winners: Primo and Epico

Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
Come on, it’s the celebrity match.
Winners: Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos

Randy Orton vs. Kane
Kane hasn’t been doing too well with Randy Orton lately. Will tonight be the night Kane steals the show? No, I don’t see it happening.
Winner: Randy Orton

Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny
This might be the only match I honestly think they will give it to the heels. They could go two routes on this one: comedic because it is April Fool’s Day or serious in the fact that Team Johnny’s side is ridiculously overpowered.
Winners: Team Teddy

Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show
How many times will the WWE go with the bully being an asshole for a month, but when it comes down to it the underdog will win? This is that situation. I’m not mad that Show will win, I love Show…I’m just sick of the formula.
Winner: The Big Show

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
My only hopes for this match is to have Sheamus Brogue Kick AJ…on accident of course.
Winner: Sheamus

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
See above formula. Plus, Jericho wont be around for much longer because he has a tour with Fozzy to be on.
Winner: CM Punk

Triple H vs. The Undertaker
This is going to be an emotional roller coaster, but Taker is going 20-0. Plus, this might set up HHH vs. HBK at WM29.
Winner: The Undertaker

The Rock vs. John Cena
The WWE is not going to let John Cena lose this one, unfortunately. He is the face of the company. Granted, this match will be a good one regardless. Also, the rumor mill is saying that Brock Lesnar might interfere which could possibly set up a match at WM29 between The Rock and Brock Lesnar.
Winner: John Cena

This looks like it will be a very good Wrestlemania. I can’t wait. As always, we will have (almost) live updating of the event with commentary provided by yours truly.
Winner: The WWE Universe

Mar
26

Raw Recap – March 26, 2012

We are live from Atlanta, GA for Monday Night Raw and we are 6 nights away from Wrestlemania 28!

Booker T joins commentary tonight. Watch out! Tonight we begin with Randy Orton and Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan and Kane. As soon as Kane’s pyro hit, Michael Cole said, “The whole complexion in this arena has changed.” Yeah, they turned the lights off. Booker T is making me want to drink. Pretty typical tag team back and forth so far. Sheamus gets distracted by Daniel Bryan as Kane knocks him outside of the ring. Bryan with a leg drop from the ring which knocks out Sheamus. First commercial break of the night. We are back with Sheamus and Bryan in the ring with Bryan in control. First “vintage” of the night from Cole. Kane pulls Bryan out of the ring after that DDT from Orton. Bryan with a dropkick to send Orton back outside. Kane with a huge sideslam! 1. 2. Orton kicks out. Clothesline from the top rope, Kane wants the chokeslam. Orton turns around and lands a nice dropkick on Kane. Both men tag out, Sheamus and Bryan in the ring. Orton and Kane are back in the ring as Orton and Sheamus fight Kane to get him out of the ring. Orton goes for the RKO but Kane shoves him into the ringpost. AJ runs in the ring between Sheamus and Bryan to stop the Brogue Kick. Chokeslam from Kane on the outside. 1. 2. 3. Bryan steals another one with a pinfall. More as Raw rolls on.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

We are back from commercial with Michael Cole in the ring wearing a Team Johnny shirt. He just wanted to announce that he is the official commentator of Team Johnny. Here comes the man himself…still sans entrance music. What? There is an official flag bearer? Oh lord, it is Vickie Guerrerro. What has this match become? Looks like we are getting a match between David Otunga and…oh wait, Booker T is now announcing that he is the official commentator for Team Teddy. Here comes Teddy Long, time to dance for 12 minutes. Here comes Santino Marella with the flag bearer for Team Teddy, Hornswoggle. The #1 trend in the world is Michael Cole. Good lord. Otunga asks for the flag and decides to parade around the ring. Here comes Hornswoggle with the distraction. COBRA! 1. 2. 3. Marella wins with the pinfall. Teddy Long pushes down Johnny. Santino sets up for the Cobra but The Miz runs to the ring and Skull-Crush Finales Santino. The Miz is now on Team Teddy…I mean, Team Johnny. Team Johnny. Not Team Teddy.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

More after a break. Follow me on Twitter @GeorgeyB22. Seriously, I am god damn hilarious.

Eve Torres with Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly up next after a break from some promos. Kelly Kelly wins. Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom.
Rating: 0.0/10.0

Christian vs. CM Punk up next. Who is going to have a drug problem this week in CM Punk’s family? Stay tuned to find out. It’s his mother! Oh wait, she has no vices whatsoever. His parent’s wedding date took place after CM Punk was born. “That makes you a legal definition of a bastard.” Sigh. Christian starts the match by attacking Punk from behind. Christian throws Punk out of the ring and Punk starts losing it. He begins slamming Christian’s head into the table over and over again. Punk drops Christian onto the steel steps. Punk refuses to let go of the Anaconda Vice on Christian outside the ring…there are about four refs outside trying to pull them apart. They finally get them separated and Christian gets the win with the DQ. More after a break.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

Brodus Clay up next! FINALLY! He is fighting Curt Hawkins. This is going to be a great match. Curt Hawkins is actually putting up a fight…well, there goes that fight. Clay back in control. 1. 2. 3. Clay wins with the pinfall! MORE COMMERCIALS!
Rating: 13,000.0/10.0

Big Show vs. Primo. Really? This is the next match? Alright, here we go. Christian has just been medically ruled out in competing at Wrestlemania. What a huge chokeslam! 1. 2. 3. Big Show wins with a pinfall. Epico runs in to interrupt but he gets a chokeslam too. Here comes Cody Rhodes to talk at the top of the stage some more. Drew McIntyre has been named Christian’s replacement on Twitter.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Why are these matches happening?! Great Khali and Mark Henry after the break. Why?! Oh good, the GMs are the managers. Something tells me that they are going to fight and disrupt the match. That was fast, both GMs try to interfere. Is anyone shocked that nobody in the crowd cares? World’s Strongest Slam on Khali. 1. 2. 3. Henry wins with a pinfall.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

John decides to throw Teddy Long into the ring with Mark Henry. Johnny calls out the rest of his team to fight Long. Correction, they are blocking the path. Here comes Santino and Zack Ryder. Here comes R-Truth and Kofi Kingston. Kofi jumps into the ring but gets caught by a World’s Strongest Slam. Teddy tries to get away but Henry picks up Booker T interferes. Scissors Kick in a suit! Scissors Kick in a suit! Booker T just joined Team Teddy. Does this open up Jim Ross to commentate on Sunday? I hope so. More after some commercials.

Rock and Cena next. I honestly dont see how they can also fit in Michaels/HHH/Taker into the show. Really interesting crowd tonight…sounded like 70% of them were cheering. I really hate commentating on speeches. Typical promo banter. Cena should be coming out soon. Speaking of soon… Well, it sounds like about 70% of people are booing Cena. Good crowd.

Alright, that was a weird send off for the Raw before Wrestlemania. It began with some solid stuff but fell apart as soon as Raw Zone started. The ending was a good promo but the matches leading up to it were sub-par. I cant wait for Wrestlemania.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Mar
19

Raw Recap – March 19, 2012

We are live from Philadelphia, PA for Monday Night Raw and we are 13 days away from Wrestlemania 28! 18,088 people fill the Wells Fargo Center tonight! (Haha! We had 200 more people than you!)

We start the night with CM Punk coming out to discuss last week’s promo with Jericho. Alright, it would be pretty funny if at the end of their match at WM, Jericho forces him to drink alcohol. If you missed it, last week Jericho said that CM Punk is straight-edge because of his father…who was an alcoholic. This whole angle makes me want to drink. Which will probably happen later. CM Punk is proud of his father. He is proud that he is straight-edge. Well, Jericho is live via satellite…thank God. Jericho is here to say that he is sorry. He wants an apology. However…your sister…is a whole other ballgame. Oh, his sister has problems with drugs. Alright, this is a really dumb angle. Oh, your grandmother? Pills. Oh, your uncle? Male prostitutes. Oh, your great-grandmother? Dead. Well, that one isn’t really insulting…BUT SHE IS MOTHERFUCKING DEAD! HAHAHAHA! Punk started swearing…damn censoring. Something about pussies…I didn’t catch it. The passion was there, but I just think that this is a really stupid storyline.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Kane vs. Big Show next. Commercial time. Next Monday, the Universe will be receiving an hour long special before Raw at 8PM discussing Rock vs. Cena.

We are back with Kane already in the ring. Something tells me that Cody Rhodes will come out and say something. Oh…what a shock. Oh, he is on commentary. “We have been asked to show this video package…” I don’t think anyone is surprised that the video package makes fun of Show. Spear from Show! Spear! Spear! Spear! Cody with the distraction. Kane catches Show with a chokeslam. 1. 2. 3. Rhodes in the ring. He lands a really good kick to the head. Rhodes back outside the ring to grab some handcuffs. Show is trapped on the rings as Rhodes punches Show with some boxing gloves. Here comes another ref to break up the fight. Well…here comes two more refs. Commercial time.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Welcome back to Monday Night Raw! Up next, David Otunga with John Laurinaitis vs. Santino Marella with Teddy Long! Santino! Santino! Santino! Santino pulls down his singlet and shows off his (painted on) abs. Cobra time! But here comes Johnny for a distraction. Santino smashes John’s phone in the ring. Otunga catches Santino. 1. 2. 3. Teddy Long with a big slap across John’s face. Oh good, we get a nice dance from Teddy Long at the top of the stage. Nice.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

The Rock is up next as Raw rolls on. We are back with a video package of The Rock. Philadelphia is a city of asskickers. Something about icons…I wasn’t listening. The Rock is talking about sticking cheese steaks up John Cena’s ass. Haha, there was one person in the audience that was not impressed. The Rock is going to eat lightning and crap thunder. That can’t be healthy. Well, that happened.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Daniel Bryan vs. Zack Ryder up next after some advertisements. Alright, I am back midmatch…I had to make myself an alcoholic beverage. Zack Ryder tries to go for the Rough Ride. Bryan catches him in the LeBell Lock. Ryder taps.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Was the title of that article really “John Cena Rear-Ended”? That’s funny. More Raw after a break. Cena gets MGK at WM…now Rock gets Flo Rida. Here comes John Cena vs. Mark Henry. Am I the only one that hoped Cena came out to the same neck brace/wheelchair combo Ryder came out in? Henry could have pushed him off the stage! I think they missed a huge opportunity. Raw Zone time! “I don’t think Mark Henry knows his own strengths.” – Jerry Lawler. Yeah, I think he does. Mark Henry is in control of this match. Henry throws Cena into the steel barricade around the ring as Raw goes to commercial. We are back live with Cena with the upperhand but Henry stops that very quickly. Cena with the Side Suplex to Henry. Here comes Super Cena! We even got a “vintage” from Michael Cole! Cena with the AA. 1. 2. 3. I’ll give it to Cena…he was in a car accident and that was pretty impressive.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! WHAT THE ROCK! IS COOKING! Rock runs to the ring! ROCK BOTTOM ON HENRY! ROCK BOTTOM! I love this formula: 1. Run to the ring, 2. Rock Bottom someone in said ring, 3. Leave. Alright, he lifted Henry a good distance off the mat. That was also really impressive.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

More as Raw rolls on. Follow me on Twitter @GeorgeyB22! I’ll love you forever if you do.

DIVAS TIME! FUCK YEAH! Oh, nevermind…that was just a promo. Here comes The Miz! Well, this could still be a divas match. Sheamus vs. The Miz up next. The stipulation for this match is for Miz to have a match at WM, he has to beat Sheamus. Good luck. Standard back and forth between Sheamus and Miz. Sheamus catches Miz with a Brogue Kick. 1. 2. 3.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

More after a quick break. Oh good, to fill time…we are getting Randy Orton and John Matthews on top of the stage. To hell with backstage segments! Alright, good segment. Promo about anti-bullying.

EXCUSE ME! Here comes Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. We find out who they are fighting once Raw comes back. We come back to Aksana fighting Vickie Guerrerro in the ring. Looks like we are getting R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. Sorry, had to let someone in…looks like I didn’t miss much. R-Truth and Ziggler in the ring…R-Truth in control. Swagger with the inference, Kofi attacks Swagger outside the ring. Ziggler with the Zig Zag. 1. 2. 3. R-Truth with his foot on the ropes. Aksana tosses Vickie to the side. Aksana and Vickie in the ring. Aksana throws Vickie down but Vickie gains the upper hand. There is a cat fight in the ring.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Want to have a good laugh? Follow @WWE_Creative! I mean, you should follow me too. We are back with Raw for Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Taker. Shawn Michaels is up first. End of an era…holding it in the palm of your hands…something or another. BOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Here comes Taker! “It would be in your best interest to shut up and listen.” – The Undertaker. OH SHIT! HERE COMES HHH! Haha! The fog didn’t even clear from Taker’s entrance! Don’t worry about Shawn, Taker. Worry about HHH. Alright, we just came up with a scenario with Foley coming out during the match, climbing the cage by himself, and then throwing himself off the cage…by himself. Wrestlemania. Moment. I’m sorry, I’m not listening. Taker leaves saying that Shawn is still better.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

That was a pretty average Raw. Nothing really big to write home about. Not bad…but average. What I am trying to say is that it was a very average Raw. It was a solid 5. Average. I don’t know how else to get it across other than saying that nothing surprised me. It was, how you say, average.
Overall Raw Rating: 5.0/10.0

Mar
05

Raw Recap – March 5, 2012

We are live from Boston, MA for Monday Night Raw!

The night begins with Shawn Michaels appearing before a sold out crowd. Oh yeah, and good ol’ Teddy Long is the GM tonight. What’s up playas? HBK is talkin’ up the match at Wrestlemania between Triple H and Taker. And here comes Triple H to join in on the party. This is a great crowd. Shawn is really pouring it on thick in terms of friendship and not giving in. HBK wants to know why Hunter changed his mind about the match. The clip of Taker saying that Triple H isn’t as good as Shawn is now playing…how convenient that they had that cued up. “Triple threat” chants start in the crowd, hopefully this is a repeat of the chants from Madison Square Garden. I think this is slowly turning into Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels at WM instead of Taker. Triple H is tired of having people talk behind HBK’s back about how much of a loser he is. HBK just proclaimed that Hunter will lose at WM…not because Taker is undefeated…but because he was just made special referee. Did they just turn Shawn Michaels heel? What the hell? Those two can really sell a promo. Commercial time.
Rating: 7.5/10.0

Well, with the destruction of that relationship as it seems, Raw rolls on with Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger for the U.S. Title. If Marella wins this I am going to lose my fucking mind. Swagger in in control as Johnny Ace and Otunga walk down the ramp. Something tells me this match is going to be a little one sided. Marella goes for the Cobra. As Otunga distracts the ref, Ziggler punches Marella. Gut Wrench Powerbomb on Marella. 1. 2. Kick out. Here comes Teddy Long and Kofi Kingston. More as Raw continues. Promo for the Raw in Cleveland! Yes! We are back on Raw as a brawl is forming outside the ring. Dolph again with the interference but Cobra on Ziggler. Ankle Lock on Marella but the ref is distracted! Santino with the rollup! 1. 2. 3. NEW U.S. CHAMPION! NEW U.S. CHAMPION! John cuts off Santino’s music but Teddy calls for security to take John out of the arena! There they go! Best match ever.
Rating: 10.0/10.0

We come back from commercial with a promo from The Rock. There are a good amount of boos from the audience, I guess whatever the WWE is doing…it is working. Haha! The Rock is throwing John Cena merchandise into the Boston Harbor. This is great.

Alicia Fox vs. Eve with Kelly Kelly on commentary. Nice way to kill that enthusiasm in the crowd. Thanks for coming ladies and gentlemen. Eve wins in 20 seconds.
Rating: 0.0/10.0

Here comes Zack Ryder! Didn’t really add anything but we got to hear the term “hoeski” again. And here come the chants! Commercial break. We are back with Eve and Ryder in the back. Eve has something important to tell him. It involves her lips. Zack looked pretty impressed. Promo time with Cena in an empty TD Garden talking to himself. Thank god they filmed it. Wrestlemania 28 is John’s legacy, it is all or nothing. He doesn’t want to come in second place and not be remembered. CM Punk and Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho as Raw returns.

Well we are back and it’s really nice that the camera panned to the “Colt of Personality” sign in the crowd. Something tells me that AJ is somehow going to get in the way, I just can’t figure out why. Raw Zone time. Punk and Jericho start the match. After a pretty good beat down, Jericho rolls away for a tag. Sheamus also tags in as we get a preview of Wrestlemania. Commercial time. We are back with Jericho holding Punk in a submission hold. Irish Curse Backbreaker. 1. 2. Kick out. Sheamus throws Jericho knee first into the turnbuckle…that looked legitimate. Punk and Bryan back in, Punk’s back doesn’t look that great. Okay, a bunch of shit just happened. Jericho with the rollup. 1. 2. 3.
Rating: 7.0/10.0

The Universe is now receiving the second dose of a Rock history lesson with a cardboard cutout of John Cena. Okay, these promos are hilarious.

The Miz vs. The Big Show up next. As the bell rings and Show goes for The Miz, Rhodes walks out and starts to trash talk. The promo this time is Show at the WWE Restaurant before Wrestlemania 18. The Miz sneaks up behind to get the upper hand. Show with the spear! A nice punch to the face knocks The Miz out for the time being. 1. 2. 3. I really am enjoying that Show is adopting the spear as a finisher. Could have been longer.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Another Rock history lesson! This time it involves the Massachusetts State House. The Rock Revolution has begun. Next week, live on Raw, Undertaker and Shawn Michaels…in Cleveland!

R-Truth vs. Kane up next. Big boot to R-Truth’s face. Cover on Truth. 1. 2. Kick out. R-Truth is going to need a lot of Little Jimmys to win this match. Chokeslam. 1. 2. 3.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

As Kane’s pyro hits, Orton’s music starts playing. Randy Orton with a huge RKO! Cena and Rock after the break.

Sounds like a 50/50 split in John’s hometown of Boston tonight. John Cena is talking about The Rock’s penis. This is thrilling. At least Cena is pointing out how his character is preposterous and laughable. The Rock is out. Nothing to write home about except the crowd’s chants are amazing. “Tooth Fairy” is quickly becoming very popular to chant. Am I the only one who wants to get the match over with already? All this talking is taking away my interest.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

Pretty solid Raw. Plus, we have a new United States Champion! Wow, Raw ended at 11:04. The Rock and John Cena are going to rap at the Cleveland Raw?! I can’t wait.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

Feb
27

Raw Recap – February 27, 2012

We are live from Portland, OR for Monday Night Raw!

Looks like we are starting with a rematch of Punk vs. Bryan from Smackdown. There is a noticeable lack of GMs this time. Well…there is also a noticeable lack of Daniel Bryan as Chris Jericho’s music hits. Hardly a pop from the crowd, good group of people. Blah blah blah…you aren’t the best in the world…same stuff we have been receiving for the past few weeks. On an unrelated note, there is a female J.R. in the bottom right hand side of the screen. The term “Chris Jericho Wannabe” is still hilarious. CM Punk brings out the Bret Hart reference. Punk just asked Jericho if he invented Canada. Jericho looks like he hasn’t slept in a week with all those bags under his eyes. Mosby just said that Santino Marella was at ringside by the announcers, I didn’t catch it. Let me sum this entire conversation up for you, Punk is here (swimming with sharks), Jericho is not (dancing with stars). “And screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket!” – CM Punk. Dammit, I looked away again as the camera panned towards commentary. Bryan’s music hits and we are getting a whole stable of people coming to the ring. Bryan, AJ, Otunga, and Johnny Ace. I see Santino! Finally!
Rating: 4.5/10.0

Punk focuses on John as Bryan sneaks up behind him to start the attack. The ref has yet to ring the bell, Punk throws Bryan outside the ring. Teddy Long is also at commentary, let’s just bring the entire roster and place them at commentary. More as Raw rolls on. Well, we are back. Who cares about this match when we have John and Teddy complaining about each other on commentary?! Match starts off with some good kicks from Punk. Punk throws Bryan outside the ring and before Punk could dive out of the ring, Bryan calls AJ over. As Punk is climbing out of the ring, Bryan knocks Punk down and throws him into the steel steps. Commercial time. We are back for Raw and I now have an alcoholic beverage, so fully expect more spelling and grammar mistakes. Bryan has Punk in an abdominal stretch. Punk gets out of it and he is in control. Punk goes to the top rope but appears to have injured his elbow as soon as it hit Bryan. Well, Punk calls for the GTS but Otunga goes for the distraction. Punk and Bryan run into each other in the middle of the ring. Otunga with another distraction and Santino hits him with the Cobra. Bryan tries to run away as an argument between Teddy and John happens outside of the ring. Sheamus runs down the ramp and throws Bryan back into the ring and into a GTS. 1. 2. John runs in and stops the count as Teddy Long follows in and hits John. Otunga, John, Teddy, and Santino are the only ones in the ring. Punk walks away holding his title up high. Jericho ambushes Punk on the stage and drops him into the steel grates. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Punk on the steel stage. Two refs run out to do ref stuff which includes yelling and general disagreement with the wrestlers. That honestly looked extremely painful. Jericho raises the WWE Title up high.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

Two weeks! Two weeks til Raw comes to Cleveland! I can’t wait. We are back and Jerry Lawler does not speak moron. Does not. Promo time for Triple H and Taker. Wow, what a great segment. Commercial time.

Divas match. Not really caring, I am making popcorn. Kelly Kelly wins.
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Cena vs. The Miz up next. Before this match starts we get The Miz complaining about how he is overworked and under appreciated. Really? Really? Rearry? He is Wrestlemania worthy people. Come on. I honestly think that Journey 3 will just be The Rock watching Journey 2 and providing commentary. The Miz is doing a great job at jobbing to Cena. The “Let’s Go Cena/Cena Sucks” chants begin in the crowd. The Miz hits a pretty nice DDT but only gets the 2. Cena hits the AA and locks in the STF. Miz taps. What a shock.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

The Rock just pulled a fade on the camera. I didn’t know he had that editing ability. Commercial time.

We are back with a WWE Tag Team Championship triple threat match. R-Truth and Kofi Kingston (what a great tag team) vs. Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler vs. Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendes(c). Instead of paying attention to this match, I found out how much of an age difference there is between Rosa and Vickie. It’s 11. 11. Everybody is out of the ring. Commercial time. We are back with R-Truth, Swagger, and maybe Epico? I cannot tell them apart. Primo is in the ring. R-Truth with the double DDT. Double Boom Drop on both Swagger and Primo. R-Truth hits Ziggler out of the ring after he hit the Zig Zag on Kofi. Swagger with the Ankle Lock while Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise. Epico hits the Backstabber and Primo gets the pin. Kane’s pyro hits. And there hits Kane’s music. Double Chokeslam on Ziggler and Primo. Regular Chokeslam on R-Truth. RING PYRO! Alright. That happened.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

Backstage with Johnny and Otunga talking about the Oscars. Here comes Teddy Long. You better listen up playa! There is a rumor that John will not be running Raw next week. John says that Teddy will have to buy a ticket to Smackdown next week because he will not be a GM. Teddy says that John is a horse’s ass…which the crowd promptly chants right afterwards. Commercial time.

We are back with an Eve Torres/Zack Ryder promo. Eve Torres is here to talk to the WWE Universe. What a hoeski…a pretty good looking hoeski, but a hoeski nonetheless. Hoeski chants starting. Don’t blame her because of her natural strengths, we should blame ourselves for our weaknesses. Fine. I blame myself. Now take off your top. Promo for Bending the Rules with Edge.

Big Show and Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes and Mark Henry. Time for Smackdown! The match starts off with Show and Rhodes but Rhodes quickly tags in Rhodes. Spear on Henry! Spear! Spear! Spear! Show starts going for Rhodes but Rhodes leaves the match. Sheamus tags in a Brogue Kick’s Henry. 1. 2. 3.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Looks like Brodus isn’t coming back tonight, thanks IWC. Promo about Rock and Cena as we roll into a commercial.

HBK next week in Boston…you can hold off for another week and come to my Raw. IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLL!!! The biggest pop of the night belongs to The Rock, he deserves it. Finally, The Rock has come back…to Portland. I’ve never been more excited in my life to see The Rock. NEVER! I FUCKING LOVE REUSING JOKES EVERY WEEK! I FUCKING LOVE IT! No sunglasses this time, we don’t have enough show left to have him take them off. Boots to asses chants run wild in the crowd. Rock, come on, we have 10 minutes left…start talking. What a shock, The Rock acknowledges that he is not here every single week. We aren’t watching this, Mosby and I are talking about how we would run Raw…many more nude Divas. Fruity Pebbles chant runNING WILD! John Cena is from the hood. I hope nobody is actually reading this for actual Raw news. We are talking about The Rock’s cell phone. Great conversation. Rock saw Cena at the Craft Food Services table. How dare you Cena for eating that sandwich! This entire post is falling apart at the seams. Cena is a Kung Pow Bitch. Kung. Pow. Bitch. Please Rock, talk about your family some more. I think I need to get drunk and watch Raw more often. The Rock is basically just referencing past Hall of Famers and saying that #KungPowBitch is trending worldwide…even without checking his cell phone. The Rock lives to entertain. FRUITY PEBBLES! FRUITY PEBBLES! We get it Rock, you know how to have things trend worldwide. LADY PARTS! LADY PARTS! The Rock has some white hairs growing on his goatee…not a good look. I have to give the promo battle to Cena tonight…sadly. At least Cena made some great points how he was here for the company. The only thing The Rock has is that he has more Twitter followers and how #CenasMissingBalls is trending worldwide. MISSING BALLS! MISSING BALLS! Cena’s music hits. (Don’t read too much into this, I still want The Rock to win at Wrestlemania) Cena just said penis…that shouldn’t be that funny. People’s Strudel. Haha! I’m clearly not caring anymore so just skip to the next section. Cena is going to beat the hell out of The Rock at WM28. “Carry on, continue trending.” – John Cena. Congrats Cena, you won this round! The Rock wants to slap the lips off the face of John Cena. I would pay to see someone physically slap the lips off someone’s face. Wow, Raw is running late at 11:20…somebody better stop him. IF YOU SMEEEEEELLLLAAAAAEEEELLLLLAAAEELELELELALAALALLA! WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’!
Rating 5.0/10.0

Pretty standard Raw, nothing to write home about. I kinda stopped caring about 3/4 of the way through. Oh well. Goodnight from Portland, OR!
Rating 5.5/10.0

Feb
26

The McIntyre Conundrum

The word on the digital street is that the MVP-esque angle playing out with Scottish superstar Drew McIntyre will result in a massive character change for the rudderless heel. McIntyre, who was once deemed “the Chosen One” after Vince McMahon proclaimed he was destined to be a champion, has been floundering on Smackdown! for a while now. WWE creative has sent him through the proverbial character purgatory. McIntyre is on a losing streak and has been for a while now, losing matches to Santino Marella, Ezekiel Jackson and anyone else who vaguely needed a push.

The angle itself isn’t news, that’s been going on for a while. However, reports from the live Smackdown! events in California have started to trickle in and boy, oh boy, do they have a doozy of a reveal.

Drew McIntyre, aka the artist formerly known as the chosen one, is now going to be an arrogant playboy.

Which is, of course, a played out gimmick. Everyone who’s a heel is arrogant in the WWE. Most of them are playboys too. Don’t believe me? Look at Alberto Del Rio’s relationship with the Bella Twins. Remember early Miz? He was called the Chick Magnet. Shawn Michaels was the Heartbreak Kid. He wasn’t your boy toy, just a sexy boy.

So is the WWE simply going to retread its old characters?

Well, no.

Actually, hell no.

See the reports from the live Smackdown! events are that McIntyre’s character has an interesting wrinkle in his character. Yes, he will be an arrogant, narcissistic playboy. But. . .

At the live shows McIntyre was reportedly blowing kissed at members of the audience. Male members of the audience. During his match with Ezekiel Jackson, McIntyre stopped to comb his hair before big Zeke hit his finisher for the three count. McIntyre also flirted with male fans near the ring. Get it yet? McIntyre’s new gimmick is that he’s, well, and there’s nothing wrong with this but apparently. . .

He’s gay. McIntyre’s character is a homosexual playboy. The Will and Grace of heels, if you would.

It’s worth nothing that McIntyre lost the match so it’s possible his character overhaul isn’t yet completed but all signs point to him being the new Liberace of the WWE.

In some way this should be viewed as progress for the gay community. The WWE is a close minded industry. They stick to what works and rarely try something new or innovative for fear of falling on their faces. So, turning McIntyre into a gay playboy of sorts, while not wholly original, is an interesting ploy that opens some fresh angles. If the new gimmick works then Drew Mac will start a wave of new-ish ideas.

Meanwhile, in the real world, we should consider the serious problems this character change will create if it does indeed go through. The WWE is not known for it’s racial diversity or gentle handling of gender dynamics. This is, after all, the same company that forced Trish Stratus (a Divas champion and one of the most successful female wrestlers ever) to strip in-ring and bark like a dog. This is the same company that had a tag team of black wrestlers called Cryme Tyme. Spelled like that. Spelled with two y’s because just calling it Crime Time wouldn’t have been racist enough. This is the same company that has Hunico ride to the ring on a mini-bike.

Seriously, the McMahons are one step short of coming to the ring in Klan hoods. I’m surprised they haven’t done a cross burning angle.

With that in mind how can anyone expect them to handle this angle with care? McIntyre will probably go over the top with the gimmick and further gay stereotypes.

But listen, I do understand that you’re not watching the WWE to broaden your horizons or understand human nature. You’re watching it to enjoy some soap opera like storylines and grown men beating on each other. Me too. But do we have to piss on everyone’s parade just because we’re desperate for ideas?

Because, realistically, McIntyre will probably have a few backstage segments where he awkwardly hits on a superstar. That superstar will feel uncomfortable. He’ll leave. McIntyre will have a few matches where he enjoys a submission hold or grabs a little ass while executing a small package.

And then what? Then he’s right back where he started. Rudderless, utterly without direction or a viable storyline to participate in and absolutely no closer to being “the Chosen One” that a lot of people thought he could be.

Oh, and he’ll be gay. Can’t really unring that bell. Or, you know, get back into that closet.

Feb
20

Raw Recap – February 20, 2012

We are live from Minneapolis, MN for Monday Night Raw!

The night is starting out with a summary of the entire Cena vs. Kane debacle over the past few weeks. Hopefully this is the end of that storyline. The show goes live with Eve and the Bellas in the back. Eve is bashing Ryder saying that they were never friends. She was just using Zack as publicity. Now she has the “big fish” hooked, John Cena. She wants the Bellas to film her walking into Cena’s locker room. As she turns around she walks right into Cena, she looks pretty distraught. Cena chuckles a little bit and walks off. NICKELBACK AND PYRO TIME! (Someone has a sign that says “Somebody call my momma because I’m at Raw!” I guess he didn’t get the memo.) Looks like we are getting a speech by Cena. As Cena is dancing around the ring, we hear and then see a crying Eve walk down the ramp. Eve said that what she said backstage was taken out of context. “Eve here has been sippin’ the skank juice!” (This is singlehandedly the best thing Cena has ever said.) “I lost a broski for a hoeski. The crowd starts chanting hoeski at this point. I want to hear them chant hoeski!” (Correction.) This is how you should start a RAW, gratuitous swearing at Divas. Eve is understandably crying in the ring as the crowd continues with the hoeski chants. As Cena tries to go pick her back up, she lunges for his mouth and he tries to get away. We are inches away from getting a wicked upskirt. As Cena walks away he claims that he wants to be disease free. Two refs and a trainer run to the ring to walk out a crying Eve. (“They should have brought out a wheelchair so Kane could push her off the stage.” – My Roommate who is conveniently @Cobradactyl)
Rating: 10.0/10.0

Undertaker promo saying that he will end HHH’s story tonight. Commercial time.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry up next. Henry takes control first, he is giving Sheamus a good whoopin’. Sheamus goes top rope and dives into the chest of Henry which takes the big man down. (#Hoeski is trending worldwide.) Sheamus takes Mark Henry to the corner and delivers a couple good moves. Sheamus sets up Henry for the Brogue Kick but misses. Henry reverses with a World’s Strongest Slam but Sheamus reverses that as well. Sheamus connects with the Brogue Kick this time. 1. 2. 3. Sheamus wins with a pin. I would’ve liked that to be longer.
Rating: 5.5/10.0

Backstage segment with Mr. Excitement and Teddy Long. John claims that the super GM angle was Otunga’s idea. Say what you want about Teddy Long, at least he can speak English. (Ignore the entire Smackdown milestone episode.) Anybody in the roster is better than David Otunga playa. “You look like Pee-wee Herman’s fairy godmother with that bowtie playa.” Oh snap! More as Raw rolls on.

R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. Epico and Primo up next. (I really want that R-Truth shirt.) “Rosa Mendes is the cause of global warming.” Nice Jerry. Nice. R-Truth starts out nicely on Epico but Primo tags in and takes control of the match. R-Truth tags out and here comes the high-flyer. Boot drop to Primo as the ref is distracted by Rosa. Epico runs in and pulls Kofi into the ropes. Primo goes for the backstabber but Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise. 1. 2. 3. Pretty standard match.
Rating: 5.0/10.0

10 Man Battle Royal as the main event for the #1 Contender spot at WM for the WWE Championship. Commercial time. We are back with the latest inductee to the Hall of Fame, Ron Simmons! ‘Bout time! Backstage interview with Jericho saying that tonight will be the end of the world. MORE COMMERCIAL TIME!

David Otunga w. Mr. Excitement vs. Ezekiel Jackson w. Teddy Long up next. Big Zeke with early control of the match. Otunga begins fighting back with a big clothesline to Zeke. David Otunga is The Undertaker of law cases apparently. (Did I use that joke last week? Oh well. Deal with it.) Zeke has Otunga in the corner, just destroying Otunga. Otunga catches Big Zeke with his finisher and gets him in a pin. 1. 2. 3. Cole is losing his mind.
Rating: 4.0/10.0

Looks like we are getting The Undertaker and Triple H next. Oh, we are getting The Undertaker sans legendary wig. Raw Zone time. Blah blah blah, last year’s match, blah blah blah, this year’s match. There is one guy in the crowd that keeps yelling “you suck.” We have come to an apocalypse in this era of wrestling, they are the last of their kind. That generated a small pop from the crowd. Taker is pretty adamant about facing HHH at WM28, this match will be apocalypse. Here comes Triple H in a suit. Not much really to comment about here…simply just the two of them talking. Triple H doesn’t want to be the one to extinguish the flame of Taker. He claims that it is bad for business. Well, that guy in the crowd went from “you suck” to “this sucks.” Triple H thinks that Taker wants to fight him so the streak will end. Oh shit, Taker just called Hunter a coward! Oh shit! Triple H gets riled up a little bit and before he could say that he would fight Taker at WM, he leaves the ring. “You know Shawn has always been better than you” – Taker. There goes the blazer! Well, HHH is back in the ring…and he is mad. Apparently, this has nothing to do with Shawn and he can end the streak. It’s on. It’s on motherfuckers. Hell in a Cell match a WM28. That will be an emotional roller coaster.
Rating: 6.0/10.0

Commercial time. Follow me on Twitter @GeorgeyB22.

Daniel Bryan is out here talking about how he is a role model. Santino’s music hits and the crowd goes nuts. Looks like we are getting Daniel Bryan vs. Santino Marella. Well, that was fast. Santino taps.
Rating: 2.0/10.0

OH YES DIVAS WRESTLING! Kelly Kelly and Aksana vs. The Bella Twins. Wow, this is the best wrestling I’ve ever seen in my entire life. My entire life! The Bells win. Thank god that is over. I’ve never been more excited for commercials in my entire life. My entire life! I LOVE REUSING JOKES!
Rating: 1.0/10.0

Oh John Cena is back out again. Alright, Cena is making fun of his own movies. This entire speech is just about his match at WM, nothing great to write about. “You’re gonna have to kill me to beat me” – John Cena. Challenge accepted.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Battle royal after the break. Punk is out to do commentary. Thank fucking god! Punk is playing with the Michael Cole action figure. (Is that is stores? I want it.) There are too many people in this god damn ring. Khali is out. More after the break. We are back to the clusterfuck in the ring. The Miz just got double teamed by R-Truth and Kofi. The Miz has been eliminated. Okay, everybody just decided to throw their finishers at once. There goes Wade Barrett, R-Truth, and Dolph Ziggler. Santino is still in! Dolph just fucked up his face hitting the announce table. This match is moving too quickly to comment on everything. Kofi is gone. Here comes a gurney for Ziggler, Kofi landed on his leg which promptly hit the steel steps. Santino with the Cobra on Jericho. Rhodes tosses Santino out. People are getting fucked up left and right. There goes Rhodes. Rhodes helps Jericho pull Show out of the ring. Jericho wins.
Rating: 6.5/10.0

Pretty alright RAW. Lots of people got fucked up at the end, serious injuries. Too bad Santino didn’t win either match though.
Rating: 7.0/10.0

Feb
19

Elimination Chamber – February 19, 2012

I’ll reformat it tomorrow at some point so it isn’t such a pain to read.

We are live from Milwaukee, WI for Elimination Chamber!

Well, after some Nickelback and some nice pyros, we welcome you to the final pay per view before Wrestlemania, Elimination Chamber! Lawler, Cole, and Booker T are on commentary tonight, standard PPV team.

Looks like we are starting off with the WWE Championship Chamber match for RAW. Jericho is entering first, he will be the final man to enter the chamber tonight. The rest enter in this order: The Miz, Dolph Ziggler (I want Vickie to be locked in a pod with him), R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, and the WWE Champion CM Punk. Kofi and Punk start the match with the other four locked in their respective pods. I’ll say it now, Booker T…please just stop talking. The match starts off with a bunch of kicks and some roll ups by both men. Punk is on the outside looking to suplex Kofi onto the metal grates. Kofi reverses by suplexing Punk. Punk did not land well on his hip, that looked like a botch. Kofi picks him back up, Punk reverses it and throws Kofi into one of the pods. Punk then suplexes Kofi again onto the steel grate. That just looked like it hurt the both of them. Back in the ring and Punk is in control. Dolph Ziggler is the first to be released. He comes out strong by pushing Punk into the chains outside of the ring and throwing Punk on the floor. Ziggler climbs the wall a little bit to do some ab workouts but then leg drops Punk outside the ring. Punk and Kofi go up on the top rope to try to kick Ziggler but Ziggler moves out of the way. Punk and Kofi fly into each other, all three men are on the floor. R-Truth enters next. Ziggler drives home a great kick to R-Truth but R-Truth retaliates by suplexing Ziggler onto the steel floor. He then dives on top of Ziggler outside the ring and lands a nasty shot. R-Truth tries to pin Ziggler, two count. Punk superplexes R-Truth off the top rope, pins for two. Flying elbow to the chest of R-Truth, Punk pins R-Truth. R-Truth has been eliminated. A couple of finishers later, a couple of two counts later, and a lot of crushing landings on the outside, we are down to three participants. This match is absolutely brutal to watch. Here comes The Miz. The Miz comes out to wreck as much havok as he can. Punk into the ring post, Kofi into the steel chains wrapped around the Chamber, Kofi gets dropped on his back outside. Ziggler has now been thrown outside the ring onto his stomach. The Miz with a very close 2 1/2 on Ziggler. There are lifeless bodies all around the ring. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice as the timer runs out. Jericho enters the ring. Jericho and Punk start fighting each other in the middle of the ring. This is the matchup the Universe has been waiting for. Codebreaker on Ziggler. 1. 2. 3. Goodnight Ziggler. After roughing Kofi up outside the ring, we are back to Punk and Jericho. Jericho goes for a ride over the top ropes and falls flat on his back. Punk is throwing Jericho into the plexiglass, Jericho runs back into his pod after a thumb to the eye and is trying to hide from Punk. That didn’t last long as both men are fighting inside of it. Jericho holds Punk’s arm in the doorway and throws the door into his shoulder several times. Punk suplexes The Miz and puns for a two. Punk forgets about Kofi in the corner as Kofi climbs to the top of a chamber and dives off into Punk and Miz. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Kingston. Kofi has been eliminated. Even though Kofi has been eliminated Jericho keeps punishing him outside of the ring. Before the refs could lock the door again, Punk sneaks in a kick and that pushes Jericho to the concrete floor outside. The refs are at Jericho because he has not moved since Punk kicked him outside of the Chamber. To hell with the cameraman, focus on Jericho! Meanwhile the match continues as The Miz tries to sneak up behind Punk. Punk kicks The Miz in the side of the head. 1. 2. The Miz kicks out. Skullcrushing Finale on Punk and Punk just barely kicks out. (My prediction is that Punk will pin The Miz and as he is celebrating, Jericho is going to run back in and Codebreak Punk for the title.) Punk with the GTS on Miz. 1. 2. 3. The Miz is eliminated. Punk’s music hits as they announce that Punk is still the champ. Wow, they never formally announced that Jericho was eliminated but they went with it and Punk is going to Wrestlemania as the WWE Champion.
Rating: 8.5/10.0

Alright, we are now getting backstage segment of Santino pretending to be Rocky and drinking two eggs…which he promptly throws up. Divas are up next, time for a piss break. Looks like we are getting a promo about how personable Cena is. Just what I wanted.

Tamina starts out strong with a lot of slaps. I guess that plaid belt on Beth wasn’t the best idea. Beth pushes Tamina to the padded ground outside and continues the fight. I’m glad this segment is just Michael Cole telling us where Elimination Chamber is being broadcasted. Beth is in control of this match. After a long submission hold, Tamina reverses it and climbs to the top rope. Beth hits her before the Superfly Splash and Beth superplexes Tamina. Tamina fights back with some chops and sets up Beth with a superkick. Tamina gets greedy for a Superfly Splash. She lands it but Beth kicks out at 2 1/2. Tamina sets up for another one but Beth rolls out of the ring. Beth hits the Glam Slam. 1. 2. 3. Beth is still the champ.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Another Santino segment, this time he is in a freezer punching a ham. These keep getting better and better.

Here comes John Laurinaitis and David Otunga with their huge announcement. I love how Cole is laughing at the fact that John is not the best public speaker. As he is saying that Teddy Long is not a great GM, Alberto Del Rio’s music hits. Teddy Long es un perro. Teddy Long is corrupt. Teddy Long is a piece of trash. Del Rio wants John to be the permanent GM of both RAW and Smackdown. Sexual Chocolate’s music hits…sorry, Mark Henry’s music hits to join them in the ring. Teddy Long is a bully. John has never been a bully. Henry wants John to be the permanent GM of both RAW and Smackdown. (“Sexual Chocolate” chants in the crowd.) Christian’s music hits, I think you know the pattern by now. Teddy Long forced him to compete in the ring even with his injuries. Christian wants John to be the permanent GM of both RAW and Smackdown. Well…that was that.

World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber up next. Another segment with Santino, now we have him running up a staircase. Santino for the gold. Santino for the gold.

The order of entry: The Great Khali, Cody Rhodes, Santino Marella (Time to be the Milwaukee Miracle!) the World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, Wade Barrett, and Big Show. Show and Barrett are going to start this match. (You know someone is going through one of these pods, especially with Show in the ring.) Ding ding ding. Show starts off the match with a bunch of chops across the chest. Barrett begins to rally back with a bunch of kicks which knock Show to the ground. Both men leave the ring and Barrett throws Show into the door two times. As the refs check the lock on the door, Barrett and Show move back into the ring. Show steps on Barrett after he threw him outside on the unforgiving steel. Cody Rhodes enters first. Rhodes is reluctant to enter the ring, as he should be. Some more slaps across the chest as Show stares into Bryan’s eyes. There goes Rhodes over the ropes and onto the floor. Show throws Rhodes into the wall of chains as he walks back into the ring. Barrett and Show in the middle of the ring. Rhodes and Barrett tag team Show and knock down the big man. Santino enters next. Here comes the miracle! After a successful attack on Barrett, Show takes control of the match as Santino gets destroyed. Rhodes runs in and “saves” Santino by attacking Show. Barrett and Rhodes suplex Show onto the steel grates. I’m surprised the entire floor didn’t collapse. (“Boring” chants in the crowd.) Rhodes and Santino outside, Rhodes in control. Khali enters next. Khali with the one move he can do, a overhead chop. Punjabi Plunge on Barrett and Rhodes, too bad he can’t pin them because he cannot bend his legs. Show with the spear on Khali. Khali has been eliminated. Show tries to reach for Bryan through the top of the pod. Show is trying to through the top of Bryan’s pod! He is breaking into his pod. Oh my god! He’s in! Show is locked in the pod with Bryan! (“Holy shit!” chants in the crowd!) Bryan is the last to enter…well, both Show and Bryan at this point. Bryan escapes Show but he throws Bryan through the side of the pod! Show calls for the chokeslam and hits it. Big boot from Barrett to Show. Lots of shit just happened, I could not type it fast enough. DDT from Rhodes to Show. Barrett with a big elbow from the top ropes. Rhodes with the pin. Show has been eliminated. Santino with the roll up! Rhodes has been eliminated. Cross Rhodes on Santino before he leaves. The Universe is going nuts for Santino as he is being thrown around outside the ring. Santino is locked up outside the ring and Barrett focuses on Bryan. Barrett and Bryan outside the ring as Barrett throws Bryan into the chain wall. Barrett gets Bryan’s neck into the doorway and slams the door shut on his neck. More shit going on outside, Bryan is back in control. Bryan through another side of the pod. Bryan with a headbutt from the top rope. Santino with the pin. Barrett has been eliminated. Santino and Bryan are the final two! Bryan is in control. Santino hits the Cobra! 1. 2. No! Bryan has Santino in the LeBell Lock. Santino taps, Bryan retains. God fucking dammit!
Rating: 9.0/10.0

Looks like no title changes tonight. If Santino won, the crowd would have lost their fucking minds. Sheamus time! Sheamus time! Time for him to call him out for Wrestlemania! Cena vs. Kane for the main event as the Chamber rolls on. Backstage segment with more fart jokes. Worst storyline ever.

Wait? Cena vs. Kane is not next? Jack Swagger vs. Justin Gabriel for the U.S. Championship. Just what the Universe wanted. Swagger in control in the beginning, then Gabriel just ran with some good moves. Swagger with the ankle lock. Ding ding ding.
Rating: 3.0/10.0

Cena vs. Kane next. Time for this storyline to end. The match starts off with some standard wrestling but quickly moves into the area next to the ambulance. Both men pull weapons out of the ambulance and use them against each other. Neither man is really gaining the upper hand as they trade shots pretty much back and forth. Cena throws Kane into the steel steps and they practically explode all over the place. Kane from the top rope but Cena reverses it. Cena calls for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena goes for the AA but Kane uses his submission hold on Cena’s face. Cena is knocked out in the middle of the ring but Kane has no way to get Cena to the ambulance. Kane drags Cena out of the ring and finds a wheelchair underneath the ring. How convenient. Halfway up the ramp Cena wakes back up but Kane quickly puts that hold back on. Cena fights back as they walk closer and closer to those ambulance doors. Cena whips Kane into the side of the ambulance as Cena goes back for the wheelchair. He folds it back up and drives it right into the skull of Kane. Cena puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into the production area. Kane retaliates by hitting Cena with some laptops. Cena and Kane walk into the technical area, both men trading blows back and forth. As Cena throws Kane back into the ring area, he hits Kane with a microphone. Cena clears off the Spanish announce table…let’s be honest, it needed to go. Cena asks the camera if we want to have fun. Cena is in control right now as he is the proud owner of those steel steps. John with Kane perched for an AA as he walks up the steel steps. As soon as Cena reaches the top, Kane gets free and chokeslams Cena through the Spanish announce table! Kane walks back to the ambulance to retrieve the gurney and then wheels Cena back up to the stage. Kane has Cena in the ambulance and as he is closing the door, Cena kicks the door open and escapes. Cena opens the door to the driver side and throws Kane into it. Cena climbs to the roof of the ambulance and Kane follows. Cena counters the chokeslam as Cena AAs Kane onto the conveniently placed pad right next to the ambulance. Cena places Kane in the ambulance.
Rating: 7.5/10.0

That was a really solid PPV if you ignore the Divas match and the U.S. Championship match. Even though nothing changed and everything is still the same, the matches were of decent quality and they had enough brutality to satisfy my needs. Still pissed that Santino didn’t win the gold.
Rating: 7.5/10.0

Feb
17

Chris Jericho Will Win at Elimination Chamber

As something of a writer I sometimes pride myself on my ability to predict the outcome of WWE matches and PPV’s. At times this is an easy feat that I use like a parlor trick. With a room full of people watching a match I might say something like this, “I bet Cena gets up and shoulder blocks the guy. Then picks him up, slams him, five knuckle shuffle then AA,” followed by some rolled eyes and a few open mouths when my prediction comes true. Other times I use my abilities to discuss with my writing partner GeorgeyB what the angles are for some storylines.

This is the latter use of my powers.

At this Sunday’s Elimination Chamber recently returned superstar Chris Jericho will win the WWE championship. This means that, in some way or another, he will have to defeat the current title holder, CM Punk. The explanation for this outcome is simple.

Punk has been at the top of the WWE since his Survivor Series’ victory over Alberto Del Rio. During Punk’s three month reign as champ the creative team has yet to come up with an arresting feud for their champion. Most recently he conquered (somewhat) the meandering evil-doer John Laurinatis.

However, as time passed and the internet buzz built it became apparent that Punk was simply being held over until the arrival of the mystery superstar behind the “End of the World” promos that garnered so much attention a few months back. A mystery superstar whose identity was pretty well hidden until the last week of the build-up. A mystery superstar who turned out to the Ayatollah of Rock ‘N’ Rolla, Chris Jericho.

Jericho’s return irked many fans. He came back in a chain-mail-leather-christmas tree jacket, pandered to the crowd for fifteen minutes, ran around slapping hands like a half-wit or someone stalling for time, then slipped into the back. For weeks, it was wash, rinse, repeat. He’d come out. Smile. Grab a tee shirt launcher. Wave his arms around pleading for cheers. Then return to the back when the boos started in.

When the Royal Rumble came around it seemed like common sense that Jericho would win, which I touched upon in a previous article. The few fans who were still high fiving over Jericho’s return, claiming they were too smart to play his game and too wise not to love him, were suddenly befuddled. The Great White Sheamus (has there ever been a more appropriate nickname?) brogue kicked him off the ropes and out of the hearts of thousands. It hurt me and pleased others.

More importantly it threw off my prediction. How was a Punk-Jericho feud going to happen now?

Then I remembered that I was an idiot and that Jericho literally needed to attack Punk. That was it. Just come out and hit the guy. It is wrestling after all.

Which is what happened, during an overrated match between Punk and World Heavyweight champion Daniel Bryan Jericho came out and hit a Codebreaker on Punk. Feud started.

The next week he addressed his attack calling the WWE roster a group of copycats hellbent on stealing Jericho’s clearly patented style. After all, he had invented the moonsault, the Walls of Jericho, and the Codebreaker right? No one had ever done those before him. And now, now, all these pathetic whimpering sycophants were jacking his style. So, you know, he was back to claim what was his and end the world as we knew it. Which, again, meant re-claiming his moves or something.

Which is pretty much where we are at the moment. Jericho is pissed at Punk for claiming he’s best in the world something Jericho did first when he said he was the best in the world at what he does. Which, for the record, he stole from Marvel superhero Wolverine. Nothing new under the sun, is the saying I believe.

Punk’s response? To hold the title belt in Jericho’s face then walk off.

Which is cool I guess, except when you’re a crowd favorite in large part because of your mic abilities it’s time for you to start dropping pipebombs and a little less Cohen-style symbolism. Again, this is the WWE where wrestling used to happen.

The problem here isn’t just that Punk has the title and isn’t saying anything it’s that as long as he holds the title he has no reason to say anything. He is the best in the world. It says so. On the belt. His name is literally nailed to a piece of metal that says “hey, this person right here, yeah he’s the best wrestler in the world.”

If Jericho holds the strap though it’s a new ballgame. Suddenly Jericho’s rants have a little more value. When he says he’s best in the world at what he does, people will be forced to listen. People including Phil Brooks aka CM Punk.

Plus, Jericho’s title reign will help carry that feud for another month into Wrestlemania where, presumably, this feud will culminate.

So, this Sunday?

Jericho walks out the new WWE Champion.

(I hope)